Surprising Moments

[itsallovernow]

So, this past few days I had these... startling moments of... clarity, surprise realization.

That:

- I was going to take this Farscape story I've had brewing for ages, and make it an original fic because it worked in an entirely different, but still really incredibly way as an original story. Not so much fic made into OCs, but a story and plot line that arrived fully formed, that could legitimately be it's own story with it's own cast of characters who drive the plot in entirely different ways than the characters would have had they been part of fic. This was... kind of beyond lovely because it's one of the last FS fics I've had lingering, unwilling to abandon it, and it's already got a soundtrack.

- I'm a fucking grownup, with a grownup corporate job, in a corporate world. I spent all day Friday fucking with personnel issues. I'm... I feel like I'm outside myself, looking on, looking in, not sure what to think, but suddenly so much the professional employee, pink hair and all.

- While I miss the person I was dating (and have come to some places and acceptances with that), I miss... the comfort of going to bed with him on Saturday night, waking up on Sunday. I miss having someone to do that with. This is the first time in two months that the specific longing was for that domestic ease and comfort and I don't know what the hell to think or do about that. There isn't anything to do, but it still... took me aback, made me sad in a different sort of way.

- That I can be utterly judgemental, hardnosed about what I think and feel. That I'm often okay with that, until I'm not.

- That I still love competence best in my fannish verses. That I still miss my show. That I'm glad to not be part of fandom in the way I was, but that I wouldn't have traded that time or any of you for anything.

- That writing is going to make me lonely. But it's always going to be worth more than those moments of feeling utterly lost in your own head. It'll always be more.

Comments

[ainsley.livejournal.com]

I'm a fucking grownup, with a grownup corporate job, in a corporate world.... suddenly so much the professional employee, pink hair and all.

I admire you so much for being able to pull that off. You rock.

Clarity is possibly the most gorgeous feeling to ever exist.

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Mmm... I don't know, clarity is refreshing, but I'm not always sold on it being fun:)

[ainsley.livejournal.com]

Oh, it is often miserable, but after the fog, I appreciate a good crisp view.