Clawing my way out of the haze, in the most circumnavigational way possible

[itsallovernow]

This week, actually the last two weeks, has really represented a break from my normal life. First, I got to go on vacation, and then, coming home sick, I actually was able to make a concentrated effort to take care of myself. This meant that I'd come directly home from my primary means of employment, take some Theraflu, and lay down on the couch.

I finished several books, read the Sunday paper cover to cover, listened to lots of great music, watched a boatload of TV, and aside from M. and G. on Monday night, didn't see anyone. I talked to S. twice this week, a rare treat, and got to sympathize with them trying to scrape the glue off the floor of their new house before the floor people come to do their magic. I didn't dance, didn't go to Krav Maga, didn't teach or make myself crazy. Of course, I also had bourbon and left over garlic bread for dinner last night, but normally I do take better care of myself

It's made me feel disassociated from my life, but strangely more appreciative. I've been trying to figure out some crucial next steps in all the important areas - work, relationships, living situations, etc. and while I don't think I came to any conclusions, I was at least able to let the ideas float around in my head instead of getting jammed in there with my overflowing time commitments. What it has made me realize more than anything, though, is how much I want to write full time. Granted, that's my job, but I mean write for myself. Before I started writing fanfic, I had convinced myself that I couldn't write fiction anymore because what I wrote in college never got taken seriously.

I don't mean my writing in general, I got a lot of praise for my academic writing, but I was never serious enough in my fiction I guess, not literary enough for my peers or my professors, and of course I was scared to veer away from writing anything that wasn't the great American novel, and that's just not me. My best work in college was my thesis, which now I'd love to edit down to an acceptable length, but part of it was fiction, and that's the last fiction I wrote that I was proud of before now.

This experience has renewed my confidence, at least enough so that I'm willing to give myself another chance, even if none of the original fic ever sees the light of day. Of course, I've also read fanfic that was so much better written, so much more original and captivating than much of what I've read that's been published.

I'm trying to figure out which plot bunny to chase down right now, I'm trying to string the little buggers out in my head and see which one kicks the hardest, but they all mill together. Rotten rabbits.

Because I'm a sucker, and I have the house to myself for a week, and because I spent an obscene amount of time on the phone giggling with S. who I miss so desperately at times it just seems unfair, I let myself watch Relativity and Meltdown again. I do try and alternate, and occasionally do watch things on TV other than Farscape, for instance I actually flipped back and forth between Buffy and Gilmore Girls on Tuesday night, enjoying myself very much on the one Tuesday during the year that I've been home at night, and I will also always watch X-Files when it's on, but you want comfort when you're sick and I'd been without these episodes since last year.

This has inspired me to beg my far more talented LJ friends for more icons. Believe me, it's not that I'm lazy (I am, but not in this case), it's just that I have no idea how to do these icon things, and my RL friend who makes me pretty things would probably think I was crazy if I asked her to make me a Farscape icon. So, anyone who is enjoying themselves with the icon making and has any free time (kernezelda and veritykindle- yes I'm looking at you, not for the free time but for the skill with the pretties), I'd be eternally grateful for a John/Aeryn icon, any season, just together.

I'd be happy to exchange my services for such a product!! Belly dancing, plot bunny beating, fic, silly songs, long rambles, - that about sums up my skills, but my enthusiasm far surpasses my skill. I can teach you how to get out of a strangle hold from any position, how to properly gouge an eyeball, and the best technique for an effective roundhouse kick. Oh, I can also teach you how to say really rude things in Greek and Latin!

I also started to think about why I liked TJohn so much. It's not that I had a preference. I ached for the John on Moya. Alone, obsessed, worried, useless and ineffectual, getting drunk and rolled and screaming a girly scream in a fishbowl after a night of feathers and multiple breasts. But the moment for me where I just adore TJohn is at the end of Relativity. He walks into command, touches Aeryn on the shoulder, and then just soaks up her pain as best he can. The macho protection is over and he's just all compassion and love for her, touching her face when she says that all of her ties are severed, understanding what that means maybe more than she does.

Can you tell, that while better, I'm still one with the cold meds. I'm off to write about inner city students learning to decoupage. Sometimes, I really love my job.

Comments

[spoonishly.livejournal.com]

Here's two I whipped up quickly...take them both if you'd like.

Re:

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Those are lovely. Thank you so much!! (I was only singly out the two of them because they'd been suckered into making icons for me in the past, but any and all contributions are more than welcome!!)
What would you like as a reward?

[spoonishly.livejournal.com]

No reward is necessary. I'm glad you enjoyed them. Reading "Undertones" was enough for me *eg*. Oh, I know you weren't asking just for icons from those two, but they are two talented ladies.

Hope you continue feeling better!

[rubberneck.livejournal.com]

any and all contributions are more than welcome!!

Yay! Another outlet for the iconitis!

Re:

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

You are always, always welcome to add to my collection! I looooooove your icons.