Focus, Shot All to Hell

[itsallovernow]

I gained a tiny pseudo-cold. I don't feel all that punk, as my great-grandmother used to say, but mostly I feel old tissueish, worn and crumpled and glassy eyed.

More than anything, I'm in missing mode. Missing my hussies, missing the other fabulous women that I've met through this crazy thing called fandom, through this rich network called LJ. Missing Sh. and M, and world's most wonderful baby. She's not an easy baby, lungs like a fireengine, just like her Mommy, but she's perfect in her flaws, and I've never known something like that, holding her like she's family because she is, four weeks old and my tiny family, godchild, niece, whatever we call her, I'm responsible for her health and happiness.

She quiets to the sights and sounds of both Star Wars and Farscape. No seriously, we don't know what we're going to tell her when she grows up and wants to know where all of her friends in the box went. That frell isn't a real word. Amazing little creature. She gurgles to Belle and Sebastian in the car, smiled to Hey Jude, and bobbed her head to Bob. I may have to crush Kid A under my heel, but her daddy thinks it'll make her mellow, not suicidal. We bought her a Nightmare Before Christmas onesie, and I held her in my arms, scotch in one hand, with a straw sticking out so I wouldn't get whisky on her. It happened anyway.

Thanksgiving was wonderful, pumpkin risotto and not a tofurkey in sight. I saw two of the people I love most in the world, made cookies and drank Macallan, and tried to figure out who I'd be if I actually grew up. I didn't reach any conclusions, but I loved the cold, grey day, the fall of white snow on the quiet city scape, the flat rolling lands between the cities and Northfield. Being inside, curled into a couch that's seen much of my life pass by, a bottle of wine that's seven years old and not worth the wait, but the moment was.

Came home to the flurry of fleeting crises that is life here. M. miserable, and lonely. My friend J, alone now, her husband leaving her. Never thought he'd be the one to leave, and now we're all single, and at a loss. I learned that I want a child, still not so sure about the husband. So much risk, so much opportunity for being left, and if you're good on your own, you want a compliment, not so much a mate. Maybe it's just me.

Reading through all of the posts, the con reports and seeing the pictures, and argh, please tell me my cheeks aren't that round in person, that I don't come across as that jolly green giant looming. Hee, but the joy at seeing all of those faces again makes it worth the tradeoff.

Writing a quick one off, a little smut gone bad titlted "Doing it Better" and trying to get back in a groove that doesn't make me sea sick.

I think I'm going to post the holiday wishlist, after I finish this article.

Comments

[life-on-queen.livejournal.com]

Hugs Thea and tries to think of something to say...

Nope. I'm pretty much out of it. Glad to see you're back and I'm glad you had a satisfying baby interaction. That's important. *grin*

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Not much to say. I'm feeling good, just a little grey, a little faded when I want to be silvery in the sunshine sparkly:) Mostly, I'm doing pretty damned good, and that makes me happy.

[haphazardmethod.livejournal.com]

{{{Thea}}} but welcome back!! The place wasn't the same without you.

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Hey sweetie pie! I missed y'all. Hope you and the various other Methods had a lovely Thanksgiving.

[jenlev.livejournal.com]

*sending a hug* i wish there were magical words too. *sigh*

feel better soon, know that you are vital and wonderful. i'm just saying. and i love the fact that the baby is so able to key into the good scifi and music. when my cousin's kids were babies they were stunned by star wars. maybe when they grow up they can watch the current farscape mini-series or feature film and say: "i've been watching this *all* my life".

by the way, i changed careers after 15 years and have *never* regretted doing so. i also don't regret the initial choice i made. i share this as a way of saying, it's ok to decide more than once what you want to do/be when you grow up. ;)

ps. have fun writing. *g*

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Hee - thanks honey. You are a true font of support and encouragement:)

[jenlev.livejournal.com]

my pleasure...although i have to fess up to being like a deer caught in the headlights of a train during the process. ack. *g*

ps. {{{more hugs for you}}}

[raithen.livejournal.com]

I was gonna share this with Thea, but I want to share it with you, too, jenlev. Because, Thea, I can SO relate to your comment -- and tried to figure out who I'd be if I actually grew up.

I am so there, as you know. And I am about 1/2 way to making the right decisions, but gee whiz its tough. SO. HARD. Because money's an issue, but so is passion. And the passion, the horses, that's where it is at for me. And I don't really love my work, even though I am good at it. But going back for MORE school, now? I dunno. But the program I want to do looks AMAZING, and Mom and Dad are supportive, and I think I would like it. And I hope it would get me where i want to go. But I am not sure where that is beyond a vague notion. And I have a job that is frustrating, but also kinda cool, and there is the devil you know factor to it. And I just DO NOT KNOW.

And I am wondering if this is a big part of the early 30s, because electricland and I talked about the same issues when we were down in Mexico....

But mostly, I wanted to say {{HUGS}} to you both, Thea for finding what you need and for feeling better (ginger tea can cure a world of ills), and JenLev for being a great voice of experience in this.

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Yeah for following your passions, the things that challenge you and make you happy.

[jenlev.livejournal.com]

thank you for your kinds words. although i should mention that a lot of what motivated me is that although i'd loved my work- not making the change was scarier than making the change. i look back on the whole transition with some astonishment. trusting the universe was eeky, but it worked for me.

i made a lot of pro and con lists. and ripped them into little shreds...started all over and talked my friend's ears off. heh.

when i got the job i have now, it was a new position so i was able to sit down with my wonderful bosses and brainstorm. but it still has developed in unexpected ways.

i did this in my mid thirties, but also in my early 20's...frell, i really don't want to have to do it again. *sigh*

going to go look at the link you added now...*g*

[raithen.livejournal.com]

interesting. I am an extroverted type and tend to drive people MAD when I have a decision to make. I would be curious about your response to the program -- I am thinking the Business stream.

[jenlev.livejournal.com]

heh, i'm giggling at the response i just posted that i think applies to the question on your comment.

er, anyway...it's something that has skills and experience that might be applied in a variety of settings. *g*

[raithen.livejournal.com]

*hee* yes, I too noticed the cross posting. :D.

Thanks again for the input!

ack...

[raithen.livejournal.com]

ack, missed the program link

Re: ack...

[jenlev.livejournal.com]

ps. this looks interesting. by the way, i've heard stats that say adults change careers on an average of 7 times. and my mother said to me once "once you make a decision everything changes, so you can't what if, because when you decide *everything* changes"

she meant this as a "don't regret you choices" kind of encouragement i think.

ps. the original degree i have is now being applied in a totally unexpected way in a completely different role. and i'm having a blast. so you can do non-traditional things with the degrees and schooling you have. you can apply them in different fields. er, sorry to ramble on, and not meaning to preach....be3cause it's a difficult issue. ack. *bg*

Re: ack...

[raithen.livejournal.com]

ah, you aren't preaching! and this I know -- I have seen so many degrees -- and non-degrees, at that, applied in non-trad ways. I am just searching for my current niche, and as you say, the changes can be a tad crazy-making ;D.

thanks for the input!

Re: ack...

[jenlev.livejournal.com]

my pleasure...i'd be more worried if the process *wasn't* making you nervous. *bg*

ps. hug a lot of horses. ;)

[rubberneck.livejournal.com]

More than anything, I'm in missing mode. Missing my hussies, missing the other fabulous women that I've met through this crazy thing called fandom, through this rich network called LJ.

It's hard to go back to text, hard and a little cold. Wrong.

I learned that I want a child, still not so sure about the husband.

It's all scary. I know I want kids, but I'm not yet sold on the idea of babies. *shudder*

So much risk, so much opportunity for being left, and if you're good on your own, you want a compliment, not so much a mate. Maybe it's just me.

Not sure about your definitions, here, compliment vs. mate. But then, the more I think on my own marriage, the more I'm unable to qualify or quantify what it inherently *is*, you know?

please tell me my cheeks aren't that round in person,

I will, if you reassure me that I really don't look like a steamed dumpling with a pageboy haircut.

that I don't come across as that jolly green giant looming.

You don't loom. You simply have legs that go on forever 8 )

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

It's hard to go back to text, hard and a little cold. Wrong.

Oh, god. Exactly. That's it exactly, renegotiating the bounds of communication and it feels rough hewn, uncomfortable now.

Babies are... messy and terrifying and tiny factories of our base human needs broken down. They're all about our mortality and our worth. That's just fucked up. But kids, whew, kids are different.

Not sure about your definitions, here, compliment vs. mate Sigh, I think I'm working out those definitions myself. I'm too old to find someone to grow up with, so it's gotta be someone to grow forward with, and that's different, and hard. So very hard. As is the other. all relationships, all elements of love are hard, carrying so much potential for both grace and disaster.

And no, dear, you do not look like a steamed dumpling.

You are adorable, with the most fabulous smile, impish and sly and warm and those clever, clever eyes:)

[life-on-queen.livejournal.com]

Babies are... messy and terrifying and tiny factories of our base human needs broken down.

I've always thought babies were easy -- feed'em, change'em, hold'em -- that's pretty much it. Their needs are simple and pretty easy to handle: it requires stamina but not a lot of thought.

Children, on the other hand, scare me shitless. They're little people with thoughts, needs, desires and hurts of their own. How do you deal with that as a parent? Urgh. Makes me wanna hurl just to think about it...

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Dude, it's the constant guessing with babies, the constant, driving need they have - to be held, fed, changed, comforted, picked up and put down, strapped in and let go, comfortless and completely vulnerable.

Kids - with voices and humor and tempers and weird ass behavior. Kids I get:)

[life-on-queen.livejournal.com]

Dude, it's the constant guessing with babies, the constant, driving need they have - to be held, fed, changed, comforted, picked up and put down, strapped in and let go, comfortless and completely vulnerable.

*shrugs*

Eldest child, eldest grandchild -- I've two younger brothers (-5 & -8, respectively) and 22 younger cousins (from -4 to -20) -- plus a niece and a nephew: babies don't spook me. Teenagers spook me.

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Only child here. And teenagers spook everyone:)

[rubberneck.livejournal.com]

Teenagers are walking mental illnesses. It's easy to see that their bodies are awkwardly metamorphosizing--but their minds and brains are doing the same thing and that's spooky. Oversized feet paired with squeaky voices are endearing, oversized cravings for adrenaline paired with no sense of mortality are frightening.

Babies are cool because they're very basic and completely open. Their expressions are unfiltered, unmasked, unpolitic and often, frankly, hilarious. It's their constant needs that give me the willies, not in a general sense, but when I think of having one dependent on me, completely, for everything, all the time.

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Hee - Their expressions are unfiltered, unmasked, unpolitic and often, frankly, hilarious.

Oh god yes:) But yeah, it's the idea that they are completely helpless that's so terrifying. There is literally nothing they can do for themselves, and there's no escape, as a parent, from that need.