Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles
Sep. 25th, 2003 11:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
itsallovernowOne should never ever have to say the words, " I didn't drink that much - oh wait, I forgot about the shots." Oy. Too old and too much of an adult to behave like that. But M. had a fabulous 30th birthday, may he please God make it to 40. And I bailed on work yesterday, which I've never done before but I went to bed at 6 a.m. M. has been drunk for two solid days. I'm so glad I won't be home when he wakes up.
I've never played hookey, never skipped classes in high school or college, always been mature and responsible, and am now feeling tremendous guilt for not going to work yesterday. We'll ignore the fact that I've been working almost every day for 10 hours a day. I still feel guilty because it was my choice to stay up and carouse, and I feel like I should have had to live with the consequences. But then, I still drove for 45 minutes to teach Latin so a little penance was offered.
It happens sometimes, I guess. I'm always the responsible one, always on time, always there, always in charge of whatever I do, the perpetual grownup and have been since birth. So when I forego responsability, I do it all out. And the last year has been a grating, achey challenge for the most part, so I should just drop the guilt at the curb. Move on, face the rest of the 10 hour work days as they line up in front of me. Morocco. I keep thinking Morocco. Marrakesh, sweetie.
My biggest challenge yesterday was trying to figure out how to set the VCR to tape the two hours of West Wing on Bravo as well as the Season premiere. I had to sacrifice the first five minutes of The Midterm. But the premiere was good, not great. But good. I love John Goodman, and he's a badass here, and it worked very well, and I just wanted to hug Leo, all of that responsability resting on his shoulders because there's no letter that lets him step back.
I bought the first of the Stephen Donaldson Thomas Covenant books because I remembered liking The Mirror of Her Dreams when I read it in high school. My dad had all of those books in hardcover, and I felt this need to read the things that he was always recommending to me because when I talk to him, he remembers all these details about books and movies and I need to be able to ask him more than what he did in therapy, and how is the walking going and what's the dog been up to. But I feel stymied, feel like he's not really there sometimes, and then he turns it on, is so my dad that it makes me cry.
I've never played hookey, never skipped classes in high school or college, always been mature and responsible, and am now feeling tremendous guilt for not going to work yesterday. We'll ignore the fact that I've been working almost every day for 10 hours a day. I still feel guilty because it was my choice to stay up and carouse, and I feel like I should have had to live with the consequences. But then, I still drove for 45 minutes to teach Latin so a little penance was offered.
It happens sometimes, I guess. I'm always the responsible one, always on time, always there, always in charge of whatever I do, the perpetual grownup and have been since birth. So when I forego responsability, I do it all out. And the last year has been a grating, achey challenge for the most part, so I should just drop the guilt at the curb. Move on, face the rest of the 10 hour work days as they line up in front of me. Morocco. I keep thinking Morocco. Marrakesh, sweetie.
My biggest challenge yesterday was trying to figure out how to set the VCR to tape the two hours of West Wing on Bravo as well as the Season premiere. I had to sacrifice the first five minutes of The Midterm. But the premiere was good, not great. But good. I love John Goodman, and he's a badass here, and it worked very well, and I just wanted to hug Leo, all of that responsability resting on his shoulders because there's no letter that lets him step back.
I bought the first of the Stephen Donaldson Thomas Covenant books because I remembered liking The Mirror of Her Dreams when I read it in high school. My dad had all of those books in hardcover, and I felt this need to read the things that he was always recommending to me because when I talk to him, he remembers all these details about books and movies and I need to be able to ask him more than what he did in therapy, and how is the walking going and what's the dog been up to. But I feel stymied, feel like he's not really there sometimes, and then he turns it on, is so my dad that it makes me cry.
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Date: 2003-09-25 12:56 pm (UTC)I'll work at books up to a certain point, and then they get put into the "never gonna read", "will try again later" and "must force self to finish or never hear the end of it from friends or relatives" pile. Both my parents are book whores, so usually I just pile everything they've been reading next to the bed when I visit and read the first five pages to find out if I'm interested:)