Meme, and State of the Unionized

[itsallovernow]

First, the meme:

Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it. Ask for anything [within reason] : latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on yaoi, favorite type of underwear, graphic techniques, etc. Repost in your own journal if you are so inclined.

Second, things are cruising lately. Work is improving, in scope and interest if not actual monetary reward; I'm editing a short story, eta, as soon as possible. I'm not writing much, but I feel like it's hanging out, the impetus, waiting for me to get going with it. That's not a bad feeling actually.

And, I'm working on... okay, we talk a lot about female characters, representations of women in our media, and we occasionally leave behind the difficulties of representing ourselves as women, putting our personalities, flaws, strengths, etc. out there, both in our words and in our actions.

For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with being feminine and not being... a stereotype, feeling okay with more "boyish" traits (unwillingness to express emotion in public, an adolescent sense of humor, the overuse of the word dude) with more "girlish" expressions - wanting to look pretty, to stand out physically as a girl and a woman. I want and need to be taken seriously as a professional, and anyone arguing for gender equity in the workplace, well... in truth, I'm just pleased that your workplace is offering that, because it isn't the norm. It's hard to learn how to be aggressive but not alienating, to accept that being called a bitch is part of the job, and generally means you're doing it right. It's hard to hear from other women that they "don't like working for female bosses. That they get along better with men, outside the workplace and in. That they don't really like other women." It's hard to learn to negotiate salary, and to not take on tasks typically assigned to women because you don't know how to refuse. It's always a balance, always a struggle, and each individual finds a way to sort these things or not, in and out of work.

It applies to relationships too. I've always been the one unwilling to talk about my feelings, struggling with expressing them, with what to say and how to say it, stymied in the midst of what I feel, but not able to convey it. I've always related more to figures who felt that emotions where weakness, that tears were failure. I don't believe it, per se, but I understood it.

As I get older, as I do personal work to be more emotive, to say, to convey, to cry and not be ashamed, it gets harder. I still don't want to be that girl, that woman devastated by a break up, obsessed with my relationships, wondering how to get what I want without becoming something... less than myself. Learning to own my feelings, to own the hurt of rejection and dissolving relationships helps. Knowing that it's just going to hurt for awhile helps, even as it goes against my natural instinct to... do something, to react. It's not easy though, and my sense of identity always feels like it comes into play in those situations.

It took me a long time to acknowledge that I wanted things that were considered the norm of female identity - marriage, a stable partnership with a man who vows to sleep only with me and pay his share of the bills, children, property, etc. I'll never be Martha Stewart, I'll never want to garden, and god knows, I'll never get off on cleaning, but I see the value in all of those things, in shaping your space, owning and addressing it, becoming a part of it, showing yourself through your surroundings. But I struggle still with how to represent myself, how to acknowledge my femininity and the things that seem contradictory to such, how to own what I feel and know that I'm not... failing my sensibilities. Knowing that it's okay to cry over heartbreak, and kids, and things that feel missing while still being a feminist, a strong woman, a professional. It's all... part of something I guess, growth, maturity, I don't know, but I do know, when we look at those figures that represent us, why it's so important to see ourselves in them, with all our strengths, and flaws and dichotomies, why it's important that we're a presence in stories. We're telling our own stories everyday, working so hard to shape them, that we deserve to see it play out on screen or on the page as well.

Comments

[wearemany.livejournal.com]

i don't have anything profound to say here, sweetie, except how much i respect and adore you and your thoughtfulness and your passion for life and figuring it out. xoxo.

[raithen.livejournal.com]

I mostly wanted to mark toy you that I read this, and appreciate your openness and thoughtfulness. And your willingness to discuss gender issues.

[ainsley.livejournal.com]

You've been on a role lately, with these gorgeous thought-provoking posts about women and what it means to be a woman, on TV, in the media, and in person. You are an amazing female role model.

[haphazardmethod.livejournal.com]

::points up::

What they said. {{{T}}}