Lost Day is Better Than a Lost Weekend

[itsallovernow]

I lost most of yesterday, which is always disconcerting.

You see, the weather here was wrong - not just unseasonable, but wrong. It smelled wrong, felt wrong. It was cool, and breezy, and sort of overcast in a way that made it not grey out but, dimmer somehow. It fucked with the light, changing the angles of reflection and suddenly I wasn't in Southern California anymore, I was somewhere else, somewhere more Northern, or somewhere higher up. Somewhere where I wasn't this person, living in Los Angeles - overworked and overwhelmed and struggling to be better and be more.

The light didn't shift right, you see, so I lost time, lost a whole bunch of time to coffee and too much advil and that fucking wrong placeness.

I was me as a college student, a grad student. I was the me who went back to Colorado and moved to Denver and got a job and a nice quiet life with a nice quiet guy that my dad liked and a dog. And I never did that.

I was the me who moved back east to be ambitious, to follow through, to live in a tiny apartment and where expensive shoes and pretend that I fit, whereas in LA, you never have to pretend. You never fit, so we all fit.

So at the end of the day, as the light started to shift, and I looked around and saw my lost time, I wasn't anyone. I wasn't 19, in a brand new city as it shifted into fall. I wasn't 25 feeling pavement and rain. I wasn't anything or anywhere, and I couldn't cry yet, didn't have anything to cry about, just stumbled to my car in a daze and drove.

It's better now, but I want my day back.

Comments

[raithen.livejournal.com]

{{hugs}}

and I think you should somehow incorporate this into your origins piece - as an epilogue, perhaps.