One of those Days
Sep. 12th, 2006 12:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
itsallovernowLittle stuff is creeping in, edging in on me and sometimes I do so much better facing the big stuff than the little details. The little details suck gigantic donkey dick.
My father is... I don't know, he's taking seizure medicine that makes him incoherent half the time and I have to choose when I can talk to him because I get angry when he calls relentlessly and don't want to be angry with him any more, but if I don't talk to him he just calls more. My stepmother is not particularly helpful in that in her world, he's not bugging her if he's bothering me, and I should be more fully appreciating the coherency he's got now. I want to scream at her that he's doing the same things to me he's done since I was born - following his own ego, ignoring anyone else's interests, wants or needs, pressing his agenda on to them - and that she's only had to deal with it for 15 years. She could walk away, and I can't. Ever. He will always be my father whether or not he's her husband. I don't think she would walk away, and she's saddled with the daily life aspect of it, but still. Sometimes, I'm just at a loss and I still want to cry when I think of losing him and then I want to cry that he's still here, living like this.
The City of Los Angeles wants me to get a business license so they can tax me. I barely make enough income to pay my rent some months and the city wants it's cut. Grrrrr City of LA. Grrr I say.
My car is going to die. Maybe not today, but soon and if it dies before November 6, I will have to pay AAA to tow it somewhere in addition to paying for it's ressurection because I've used all my freebies. Grrrr to AAA for charging me twice when they could have charged me once.
I'm behind on my bills. This is no one's fault but my own.
I really, really miss writing for a living today. God, I so miss having that idea to cling to when everything else feels so weighty and absurd and I know that it's not that bad and I can't shake the miasma of sadness, of feeling like it'll never get better, that I'll never make it change, that I'll never get it together to finish anything worthwhile. It's funny what sustains you.
I am going on a vacation I cannot afford tomorrow because I at least have the perspective to realize that other people's lives are worse than mine, and my friend C. has had a markedly worse year. So much of a worse year that I am grateful for my pettier concerns and this is what she wanted for her 30th birthday and at a certain point in the debt pit, what's a little bit more. Plus, for once, M'll have to be the one dealing with the utilities when they come to shut them off since we haven't paid our bills in three freaking months and I can't even find the bills.
So, a little love letter to one of the things that have been sustaining me this summer: Jacob's Farscape recaps on TWOP.
Dear Jacob,
I want to thank you for the work you've done this summer, recapping my show, turning the recaps and analysis into something as deep and layered and beautiful and silly and fucked up as the show really is. Because you took all of the eps and really looked at them, analyzed them from the perspective of what they meant as a whole, sussed out the beauty and the tropes, followed the logical conclusions, and drew beautiful and often times disgusting conclusions of your own. You legitimized this story as text by treating it as a textual whole and you made my geeky English major heart nearly orgasmic in it's squee.
I love that you think that Zhaan is beautiful and that you're angry at her for what she does, what she fails to become, appreciates what she strives for and the role she plays. I love that you see the inherent dichotomies as well as the mirroring in the science vs. violence, science vs. understanding, science vs. emotion, emotion vs. action debates. I love that you think Aeryn's growth and failures and successes are beautiful, and that you understand what's at the heart of John, and that you laid out for the audience how, excatly, these early episodes were shaping and foreshadowing what was to come and that you'd still call "bullshit" on the moments that were, without forgiveness, because this isn't a show that needs forgiveness. It's strong enough to stand and face it's own missteps and that's one of the things I've always loved about it.
More than anything, more than making me want to weep a little, putting my fingers over your words for the DNA Mad Scientist review, I want to say thank you for putting a personal, analytical stamp on all of your work, for looking at this show -and others -as a part of our collective cultural mythology, for explaining and speculating on what it is that makes this story, among others, resonate and carry and hit hard like a fist in the gut when it rises to glorious heights. Because this legitimizes storytelling. When we take it on, when we dig into the symbolism and subtext and layers of light and shadow, we are legitimizing the importance of story and storytelling and sometimes, that's enough to make me happy for days. IT's legitimizing the world that I occupy, and feels like taking a stand against the ways that stories get distorted and torn down, the way we watch something unfold in the news, in "real life" and know it's far more of a lie than any of the fictions that we watch every week. We find our own truth in fictions, and I'm glad that you've brought that sort of truth to my show, because above all else, it's my happy place. And yeah, I'm giddy when other people approve of my shiny toys. But it's even better when they apply the tools I was trained with to said toys and give me something that gives me nearly as much joy as the text itself.
This particular show has personal resonance for me in a lot of ways. The story of course, The Odyssey in space, nostos and finding home and finding you can't go back, that there is always more to lose and you build and build and watch yourself torn down, but you keep building, reaching for that mirror, watching as your lens distorts. There's the undeniable pretty and gah, some days that goes a long ways (witness me finally watching SG-1 after all these years). But it's also, for me, about a collective experience that started with my father and rode through with my best friend and has culminated in meeting people online who I now also consider family. The show's been bigger for me than the sum of it's parts, and again, it's just nice to reminded that the text itself is big enough to sustain that. That in the reach of the medium, the result has somewhere to go.
Look forward to seeing you in season four (and dude, did you lose a bet? You get the toughest eps of season one and then the chaos and beauty and fucked-upedness that is season 4? And you have to write the Die Me, Dichotomy recap? I hope they at least bring you pie for your troubles. Someone deserves to get kicked, that's for sure).
Sincerely,
Thea
Oh, and on a lighter note, I managed to spill pink glittery eyeshadow all over the inside of my car and now there are these sheeny pink particles covering every surface, my lungs included. When I get out of the car, I'm like some rabidly overgrown Tinkerbell:)
My father is... I don't know, he's taking seizure medicine that makes him incoherent half the time and I have to choose when I can talk to him because I get angry when he calls relentlessly and don't want to be angry with him any more, but if I don't talk to him he just calls more. My stepmother is not particularly helpful in that in her world, he's not bugging her if he's bothering me, and I should be more fully appreciating the coherency he's got now. I want to scream at her that he's doing the same things to me he's done since I was born - following his own ego, ignoring anyone else's interests, wants or needs, pressing his agenda on to them - and that she's only had to deal with it for 15 years. She could walk away, and I can't. Ever. He will always be my father whether or not he's her husband. I don't think she would walk away, and she's saddled with the daily life aspect of it, but still. Sometimes, I'm just at a loss and I still want to cry when I think of losing him and then I want to cry that he's still here, living like this.
The City of Los Angeles wants me to get a business license so they can tax me. I barely make enough income to pay my rent some months and the city wants it's cut. Grrrrr City of LA. Grrr I say.
My car is going to die. Maybe not today, but soon and if it dies before November 6, I will have to pay AAA to tow it somewhere in addition to paying for it's ressurection because I've used all my freebies. Grrrr to AAA for charging me twice when they could have charged me once.
I'm behind on my bills. This is no one's fault but my own.
I really, really miss writing for a living today. God, I so miss having that idea to cling to when everything else feels so weighty and absurd and I know that it's not that bad and I can't shake the miasma of sadness, of feeling like it'll never get better, that I'll never make it change, that I'll never get it together to finish anything worthwhile. It's funny what sustains you.
I am going on a vacation I cannot afford tomorrow because I at least have the perspective to realize that other people's lives are worse than mine, and my friend C. has had a markedly worse year. So much of a worse year that I am grateful for my pettier concerns and this is what she wanted for her 30th birthday and at a certain point in the debt pit, what's a little bit more. Plus, for once, M'll have to be the one dealing with the utilities when they come to shut them off since we haven't paid our bills in three freaking months and I can't even find the bills.
So, a little love letter to one of the things that have been sustaining me this summer: Jacob's Farscape recaps on TWOP.
Dear Jacob,
I want to thank you for the work you've done this summer, recapping my show, turning the recaps and analysis into something as deep and layered and beautiful and silly and fucked up as the show really is. Because you took all of the eps and really looked at them, analyzed them from the perspective of what they meant as a whole, sussed out the beauty and the tropes, followed the logical conclusions, and drew beautiful and often times disgusting conclusions of your own. You legitimized this story as text by treating it as a textual whole and you made my geeky English major heart nearly orgasmic in it's squee.
I love that you think that Zhaan is beautiful and that you're angry at her for what she does, what she fails to become, appreciates what she strives for and the role she plays. I love that you see the inherent dichotomies as well as the mirroring in the science vs. violence, science vs. understanding, science vs. emotion, emotion vs. action debates. I love that you think Aeryn's growth and failures and successes are beautiful, and that you understand what's at the heart of John, and that you laid out for the audience how, excatly, these early episodes were shaping and foreshadowing what was to come and that you'd still call "bullshit" on the moments that were, without forgiveness, because this isn't a show that needs forgiveness. It's strong enough to stand and face it's own missteps and that's one of the things I've always loved about it.
More than anything, more than making me want to weep a little, putting my fingers over your words for the DNA Mad Scientist review, I want to say thank you for putting a personal, analytical stamp on all of your work, for looking at this show -and others -as a part of our collective cultural mythology, for explaining and speculating on what it is that makes this story, among others, resonate and carry and hit hard like a fist in the gut when it rises to glorious heights. Because this legitimizes storytelling. When we take it on, when we dig into the symbolism and subtext and layers of light and shadow, we are legitimizing the importance of story and storytelling and sometimes, that's enough to make me happy for days. IT's legitimizing the world that I occupy, and feels like taking a stand against the ways that stories get distorted and torn down, the way we watch something unfold in the news, in "real life" and know it's far more of a lie than any of the fictions that we watch every week. We find our own truth in fictions, and I'm glad that you've brought that sort of truth to my show, because above all else, it's my happy place. And yeah, I'm giddy when other people approve of my shiny toys. But it's even better when they apply the tools I was trained with to said toys and give me something that gives me nearly as much joy as the text itself.
This particular show has personal resonance for me in a lot of ways. The story of course, The Odyssey in space, nostos and finding home and finding you can't go back, that there is always more to lose and you build and build and watch yourself torn down, but you keep building, reaching for that mirror, watching as your lens distorts. There's the undeniable pretty and gah, some days that goes a long ways (witness me finally watching SG-1 after all these years). But it's also, for me, about a collective experience that started with my father and rode through with my best friend and has culminated in meeting people online who I now also consider family. The show's been bigger for me than the sum of it's parts, and again, it's just nice to reminded that the text itself is big enough to sustain that. That in the reach of the medium, the result has somewhere to go.
Look forward to seeing you in season four (and dude, did you lose a bet? You get the toughest eps of season one and then the chaos and beauty and fucked-upedness that is season 4? And you have to write the Die Me, Dichotomy recap? I hope they at least bring you pie for your troubles. Someone deserves to get kicked, that's for sure).
Sincerely,
Thea
Oh, and on a lighter note, I managed to spill pink glittery eyeshadow all over the inside of my car and now there are these sheeny pink particles covering every surface, my lungs included. When I get out of the car, I'm like some rabidly overgrown Tinkerbell:)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 07:40 pm (UTC)ps--I think you missed a tag or something with your letter to Jacob
no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 07:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 07:58 pm (UTC)Have you read his BSG stuff? I like the part in his first recap where he's all "Don't tell the AI kids I am a dork!"
no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 09:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 07:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 09:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 11:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 11:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 08:24 pm (UTC){{hugs thea tightly}}
wonders if it would help you to talk to
no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 09:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 09:26 pm (UTC)still sending you MASSIVE hugs ;). and Puppy Smooches because they make many things better. ANd because i think Indy would like being covered in fairy dust!
no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 08:44 pm (UTC)See, but that's exactly what I love most about you!
I hope things get better, for all of you, with the Dad Situation. Many hugs, so that I end up all covered in pink fairy dust.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 09:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 09:58 pm (UTC)You should try flying.
Or, perhaps, writing. Here you have things to say and you miss saying them... perhaps a Sin City-like storyline, or a novel, about walking the poverty line? Or the easy jog between success and frustration? You could do it, do you want to?
I'm sorry for the weakening Dad situation. Sounds like a bad combination of pattern and transition to you being the grown-up (or maybe you always have been). I have nothing but sympathy for the frustration, and the unending belief that it's worth writing down.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 10:06 pm (UTC)This is probably the best solution of all, to take these things and put them somewhere useful (the ether of the internets not withstanding).
(And sigh, I've always been the grown up around my dad, always frustrated when he wants to parent me. But thank you, for the sympathy and the faith in writing it down).
no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 10:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 10:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 10:26 pm (UTC)and your letter is beautiful.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 10:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 11:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-13 12:19 am (UTC)(Besides, I've kind of got the itch to write, but I don't want to start something new, either...)
And you have all my sympathy for the dad and car situations. Argh! I wish I could do something helpful, other than send supportive electrons your way. Hardly seems useful, you know?
no subject
Date: 2006-09-13 12:34 am (UTC)I am stressed, and much of it is my own fault, but gah, the sympathy is always, always appreciated. Supportive electrons do a world of good!
no subject
Date: 2006-09-13 01:02 am (UTC)I hope some down time (on a beach?) will be useful as a reset and you'll come back rested and ready to tackle the gremlins.
:::smites the idiotic City of "Angels" on your behalf:::
no subject
Date: 2006-09-18 06:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-13 01:59 am (UTC)(Yes, I'm punchy and it's only Tuesday. Frell.)
no subject
Date: 2006-09-13 03:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-13 03:51 am (UTC)And then there's always the thing where if I mail my mortgage payment on the last possible day to avoid late fees, then I can usually eek out nearly an extra week between the time I really should pay it, if I'm a grownup, and the time when the money actually comes out of my account. See, see how I'm sneaky like that?
I keep telling myself that in three months, the kids are moving in with me and then I'll have breathing room. Just like I keep telling myself to find some cheaper car insurance already! But I'm beginning to think maybe neither of them are going to happen. *g*
no subject
Date: 2006-09-13 10:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-14 12:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-13 11:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-18 06:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-14 07:03 am (UTC)