Better Days and a trail of disconnect

[itsallovernow]

Went to the gym last night, iPod in hand, despite the lateness of the hour (9:30 p.m.) because I needed it. Put on the tracklisting I'd made from my friend C. who's got a broken heart, and a bad case of disappointment. I don't know, sometimes disappointment hurts more than betrayal. There's no way to rest anger from it, you have to just hold on and check your ego at the door. Wait until it stings a little less, until you can hide the embarrasment, the shame at having trusted the person who's disappointed you.

It's been a bad month for love, lots of break ups and I sit in cafes, drinking wine and commiserating with friends, cheeks flushed, longing for a cigarette knowing that I'm the object of similar discussions from the other gender, cause of confusion and hurt and platitudes of "He/She isn't worth it."

C. wants true love, wants that perfect person who will do all of the things she wants without being told. I try not to laugh, try not to see the practical side of romance, of people as partners and friends, of the inherent value in communication even when mouth and body are saying things you don't want to hear.

I've zipped past the frozen inability to move and be useful in the face of everything that needs to get done. I've resigned myself to the fact that I may not get my laundry done, or have my house spotless for company, but the atmosphere will be warm and welcoming and the cats will wax enthusiastic over new people and new luggage.

cretkid has posted Peace, Through Superior Firepower which I've been following for quite a while. I love Season 2 fic, and this story is very much worth reading with Cret's trade mark wit, warmth and finely drawn interactions.

Talking a little fandom with rubberneck last night, and trying to get her to own her talent, her skill, stand up for it. Talking about being intimidated by the persona of all of these people who are so warm and lovely as people but still have the spectre of their "name", their online identity hanging over them:) Such a funny disconnect, the identity and the person and all the space between.

Also talking about first fandom loves, the giggly, spit-ball throwing, pigtail pulling feeling of loving X-Files, and then realizing, upon finding a "Twu wuv" in fandom - that show that is your secret giddy joy that hits every button and leaves you blinking and dazed and heartskick - this is for real, and that, while wonderful, was the high school crush of fannish love. (Hee - and believe me, the fabulous analogies are Feldman's, I'm just translating them - poorly - because I adore them:) Which isn't to discount that adoration, or the show itself. I discovered fic through that show, still can rattle off the names of writers and stories that I think are amazing pieces of work, and the fact that I have actually spoken, in person to some of those people still bowls me over like a wobbly pin at a cheap alley on ladies night:)

Comments

[jenlev.livejournal.com]

i love this beautifully written post. and this sentence: "the shame at having trusted the person who's disappointed you"....is just what my college roomate and i were discussing this morning. how sad and odd it is that one may carry the shame of trusting. *sigh* and what a delicate balance it is to trust but be world-wise. what my father used to describe as "cynical optimism". ;)

i love your description of that "giddy joy". for me despite loving so many other scifi shows (and others) farscape hit that "every button" from the very first episode.

i was struck (in a good way) about you 'online identity' statement. i strive to be transparent in how i interact in every area of my life. but i know that that works in layers; and the kinds of thoughts and feelings i would share even here in LJ-land i would not disclose to a co-worker. funny that the "space between" looms larger in a "public forum" than it does in an apparently private conversation. sorry, it's hard to articulate what i mean here.....

as for housework: i'd vote for a welcoming home filled with cats and dogs and wonderful people over a clean rug. *g*

thank you for the rec/link. and further applause for feldman and "little acorns". and while i'm at it, for your wonderful writing and characterizations. *g*

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Thanks honey:)

funny that the "space between" looms larger in a "public forum" than it does in an apparently private conversation. sorry, it's hard to articulate what i mean here..... No, I think that's exactly what I mean:) I'm far more articulate when I write, so even that for me is another layer of my own persona. And so you bring that knowledge to the table when you interact online, that idea of layers, of parts of a person that they choose to expose, the way they choose to represent it, and how it comes out in different ways - the written work vs. the journal vs. the actual tangible physical person.

[jenlev.livejournal.com]

yes, exactly! and i think that i'm more clearly "myself" when i have the time to think about what i'm saying and intending than in a situation where things are going at 110 mph....where i sometimes look back and think "what the frell just happened there?". heh.

writing allows me to show the inside of my brain in a way that helps me to see it more clearly too. or, hopefully it does.

now i'm off to watch fireworks and a beautiful afternoon sky. and i will still be wishing i could just teleport to burbank. it sounds like it's going to be a wonderful time. *g*

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Have a fabulous afternoon!

[jenlev.livejournal.com]

we did indeed. amazing fireworks, and a very tall person in a goofy as santa suit. to quote the movie ghostbusters...."now there's something you don't see every day. heh. ;)

[life-on-queen.livejournal.com]

*curls up under Thea's desk to listen to music and think thoughts...*

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Pats you and strokes your hair, plays some Belle and Sebastian because right now iTunes is giving me "I Don't Love Anyone."

Damien Rice is next on the queue.

[life-on-queen.livejournal.com]

*happy sigh*

He needs to make more music. *curls self cat-like around Thea's feet, 'cause it's that kind of afternoon*

[rubberneck.livejournal.com]

*joins Cranky under Thea's desk, where it's darker and warmer*

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Much warmer. I'll bring the blankets and flashlights so that an appropriate fort can be built. there's tons of room under there! It's about 80 degrees in here and the music is going full blast, I've exhausted my interviews and am ready to tackle a little haunted detox this afternoon:)

[life-on-queen.livejournal.com]

Jesus Fuck, it's gonna be too warm in LA to wear my Hussy shirt and my hockey sweater. Fuck.

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

It's pretty warm, but it cools off at night:)

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

He does indeed. Because I've exhausted the available resources, having purchased O and the B-Sides, and the acoustic sets from KCRW.

[life-on-queen.livejournal.com]

*cough**copy?**cough*

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Snort. Yes. It's in the pile:)

[life-on-queen.livejournal.com]

Thank you! 8D

[cretkid.livejournal.com]

awwww, you're gonna make me blush!

:D

I need a happy snoopy dance icon

[cretkid.livejournal.com]

and now I have one (actually 3) :D

[haphazardmethod.livejournal.com]

That is the BEST icon! Doesn't get much happier than that.

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Hee hee! Dancing snoopy, and wheee Tigger. I love Tigger, although that icon always makes me sing the Tigger song.

Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun,fun!! (And to think, someone earned royalties on that song!)

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Just re-read it start to finish, with pleasure:)

[cretkid.livejournal.com]

if I re-read it again, I'm gonna find more typos!

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Hee - tell me about it:) (Not for Peace, but for anything. At a certain point, you have to avert your eyes on the typos;)

[rubberneck.livejournal.com]

Disappointment is worse, I think, because betrayal is all about the other person not living up to their own word/ideals. Disappoinment begins and ends inside your own self, it's your perception of someone running smack into their reality and breaking. You start to wonder what other naive fantasies you're carrying around that just haven't been broken yet.

You think you should have been smarter, less needy, *something*. You're tempted to over-compensate, assume the worst, avoid risk. It takes the objectivity of time (in some cases a whole *lot* of time) to see what really went wrong.

C. wants true love, wants that perfect person who will do all of the things she wants without being told.

Tell her to get a copy of "Princess Bride". If she wants a real person, she's going to have to be willing to state plainly what she wants. Love isn't some kind of magical telepathy, someone can love you very much and still need to be told what you want, still need to make an effort to understand. It's the listening and the effort-making that are it, not instinct.

I try not to laugh, try not to see the practical side of romance, of people as partners and friends,

It's hard, but sometimes disappointment isn't a bad thing, it's a necessary disillusionment that clears the way for a real understanding. Because sometimes those fantasies really do need to go. Laughing is probably not the best approach, though, I agree.

of the inherent value in communication even when mouth and body are saying things you don't want to hear.

Especially when it's not what you want to hear--because knowing is half the battle! Any guy (and most girls) our age know this by heart 8 )

*loves you and your luggage-humping kitties*

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Hee - the kitties know something is up:) Well, mostly, the kitties are running amok, goin' insane because the weather is having an identity crisis:) They, and I, are so freakin' excited to see you!

Tell her to get a copy of "Princess Bride". If she wants a real person, she's going to have to be willing to state plainly what she wants.

Snort. It's so very true. She wants someone to know to buy her little presents, to leave her little notes, to do those things that mean love and romance to her. I have someone who leaves me little notes - the list of bills that got paid had at the bottom, "You'd better have my dinner ready when I get back to the ship," but he doesn't do his dishes and we're not really married. This does not make him a desirable catch.

I want to hold her hand and tell her to just feel the disappointment for awhile, but she sees acceptance of the flaws, expectations that it's gonna be work as growing bitter or cynical instead of just growing up.

Especially when it's not what you want to hear--because knowing is half the battle! Any guy (and most girls) our age know this by heart

Oh god yes!

[rubberneck.livejournal.com]

They, and I, are so freakin' excited to see you!

Ditto, babe 8 )

She wants someone to know to buy her little presents, to leave her little notes, to do those things that mean love and romance to her.

But this is her conception of romance--not that it's a bad thing, but she has to at least be able to let the guy know that *this* is the way to tell *her* that she's loved. And she also needs the flexibility to understand that any given guy may also tell her she's loved in ways she doesn't really grok on a visceral level, like winterizing her car. There's always translation and you have to be willing to teach and learn dialects.

I have someone who leaves me little notes - the list of bills that got paid had at the bottom, "You'd better have my dinner ready when I get back to the ship," but he doesn't do his dishes and we're not really married. This does not make him a desirable catch.

I don't give or get notes or flowers--well, very rarely, like flowers on a bi-annual basis. But there's an active dialect of stuff we do for each other. I mean, does she give little presents herself which aren't reciprocated, or is this a one-way-street deal?

I want to hold her hand and tell her to just feel the disappointment for awhile, but she sees acceptance of the flaws, expectations that it's gonna be work as growing bitter or cynical instead of just growing up.

Then she's going to be very lonely. Because *all* relationships are work (so sayeth the misanthrope)--but that isn't a bad thing. So is school, or sport, or building something, or learning a skill. Gardening is work, so is cooking, etc. Bitter and cynical is when you don't even bother expending the effort.

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

But there's an active dialect of stuff we do for each other. I mean, does she give little presents herself which aren't reciprocated, or is this a one-way-street deal?

It's one of those perverse expectations, that if she does these things, he will reciprocate without being told that she likes to see these come back to her. It's the eternal hope that he'll just KNOW what to do to make her happy, fullfilling those unspoken expectations. (She's like this in her friendships, but it's easier to call her on it).

I don't know, it's frustrating to watch because she takes all of the small gestures to heart yet is willing to overlook the big looming, wow that was assholeish things.

I really feel like she needs to set her translation to a new speed, look at kindness and time and support given when asked for as something just as valuable as a post it on the TV.

[life-on-queen.livejournal.com]

Especially when it's not what you want to hear--because knowing is half the battle

Hee!