I'm Doin' What You Told Me To

[itsallovernow]

Okay, so minervacat wanted to know why I've become the world's most boring fan. (Min has hopes this will help her figure out her own ennui, but baby, it seems unlikely:) Actually, it's about how I got to be the world's most boring fan.

The answer, sadly, is simple. My show went away. But then, MY show went away four years ago, and my original show was done before I got online (I am always, always the last one on the boat. Particularly when it comes to really using innovative technology and then I dig in, entrench and never want to leave. Someday, y'all - and I'm looking particularly at projectjulie or iamsab - will teach me how to use Twitter so that I can at least be the second to last person on the boat. I have an account, I just... don't know what to do with it.)

So my show went away, and eventually, SG-1 started to at least "look" like my show, and turns out I liked the Tim Gunn version of SG-1 with it's familiar hotties and it's new urgency, and so for a little while, that kinda became my show.

And in the meantime there were these other shows that were like, "Whoa! Show!!" - namely Rome, which I loved enough that I didn't need fandom. Other things slipped in and battened down - Gilmore Girls, BSG (briefly. Very briefly. It's always been to dour for me). Entourage, Veronica Mars, et cetera et cetera.

But... well, much as I still wanted the community, I'd lost the fannish momentum of producing and consuming. Oh, I'll still throw it a bone - run a community, write a fic, wallow in the pretty, sidle up to that fan I'm crushing on and bat my eyes.

Some of that? Real life. I ran into a brick wall of debilitating depression last fall that just held me in a vice grip until early spring and I found that nearly impossible to work through. It stole my joy in most every regard, leaving me mostly paralyzed. And honestly? I'm still trying to recover - physically (other people lose weight when they're depressed. Those people are not me. Just like my boobs did not get bigger when I was on the pill.) Emotionally. Creatively. Mentally. I lost years of ground in terms of talent and self-respect and self-perception, partially because I wallowed, and partially because I couldn't not wallow.

And when I surfaced, I realized that the drive was gone. The fannish impulse, that one that lead to manic productivity and obsessive love? Also gone. I'm zen, but I'm dull. When I did surface, I realized I needed to make some measurable strides in the aspects of my life that were tangible - my debt, my job, my relationships, etc. So, in the face of those strides, what little fannish momentum was left? Got sucked into the black hole of earning a living and becoming my recognizable self again.

And I'm happy to reconize myself. I'm obsessive, neurotic, funny (sometimes even on purpose). I no longer have my hot body, but hell, I've never had the body I have in my head. I still have my fine mind. I still talk to much and say too little. I still write well and fall into cliched traps. I work too much, and spend too much, but strides baby. I'm making strides. I work harder at my friendships. I've developed new ones. I'm learning how a functional adult handles the things around her. I'm playing in my city, and taking advantage of friends and opportunities, and I'm eating a vast amount of cheese and raw fish. I'm also drinking too much gin, and still smoking cigarettes, and yes, one of those will stop.

I haven't killed M., and I've forgiven him for a lot. I've forgiven my dad for getting sick, and someday, that'll even translate into me not doing that deep breath pissed off sigh why are you calling me AGAIN?!?!? thing I do with him that I HATE.

My fannish life is personal now - musically, I'm listening to a lot on repeat. Mediawise? I'm reading books again. I'm watching television, and I'm feeling pleased and giddy and absolutely uninterested in doing more than watching. I'm rejecting most of fandoms favored sons (and probably because they are sons. Not daughters.) and I'm okay with that too. I'm watching stuff that makes me laugh more often than stuff that makes me think, and for now, that's what I need.

But, I miss y'all. I miss participating in meta discussions, gushing about character and plot. But I'm still here and y'all are still here and fandom is still here - that great gaping monstrous glorious thing - and that's cool to. I read what y'all are up to, and care far more about your personal triumphs than your fannish tragedies, but I care about those to. Don't think I don't.

So, Min? That is why I'm now the world's most boring fan. And even that story's boring:)

Comments

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

Not boring in the least.

I'm rejecting most of fandoms favored sons (and probably because they are sons. Not daughters.) and I'm okay with that too.

I know, this is coming from a McShep-type person...but I get it. I do.

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Hee:) I'm not rejecting y'all:) But I am rejecting your fandoms:)

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

Oh, I didn't take it personal at all, no worries. & :-)

[cofax7]

Hmm. That all makes your fannishness boring, but not yourself.

Also? {{Thea}}

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Thanks baby!!

[minervacat.livejournal.com]

no, i think you nailed a lot of my stuff, too, although i come from a different fannish background than you -- my energy is just, as you note, going elsewhere (photography, work, reading every young adult novel in the universe), and i'm disinclined to go back the other direction.

and i'm glad you wrote this, because it was fascinating to read.

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

I think this is it: i'm disinclined to go back the other direction.

It isn't that I'd reject real fannish involvement if it came a knockin', but I'm reluctant to move backwards into. If I find it again, it has to be forward:)

Or, as always, sideways:)

in that straggling (and possibly water laden....) boat with you...

[raithen.livejournal.com]

what's twitter?

Re: in that straggling (and possibly water laden....) boat with you...

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

www.twitter.com

It's pretty much life in IM form:) It's fascinating.

[raithen.livejournal.com]

ok, that? Is so honest and interesting and I am honoured you shared.

I have never BEEN much of a fandom girl -- even in the Buffy community I was more sedate than most, analytical by training of course, but not very often in a squeeish way, and the energy I had in that community has been, for me, unique. I mean, I like TV shows (though fewer and fewer it seems), but I just have never been THAT energized. But I love hte people I touch in my forays/tentative toe dips INTO fandom, and their words and energy make me happy, and yours do, in particular.

But I have ALSO loved how you share about your real life, and your struggles and triumphs, because your energy and beautiful words and humor (TOPIARY!) carry through in these, too. And I send you {{Hugs}} and thanks!

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Oh honey, I think most people wish I'd stop sharing:)

And thank you. One of things that fandom has given me is this voyeuristic/intimate insight into all these people that I just adore.

[raithen.livejournal.com]

oh definitely with the voyeurism. =P. and seriously, if you ever want to escape North, and ride ponies, I think Kath might vouch for you....

We have wine, too. ;).

[raithen.livejournal.com]

oh, but, the cigs would need to go first - Juno snorts and puts out cigarettes with her snot. She is kind of awesome ;).

[danceswithwords.livejournal.com]

I realized I needed to make some measurable strides in the aspects of my life that were tangible - my debt, my job, my relationships, etc. So, in the face of those strides, what little fannish momentum was left?

I don't know if it's a function of my age, but I found it a lot easier to get absorbed in fannish love when I didn't have so much RL stuff to juggle. Fandom takes a lot of energy, and it can be a beautiful obsession, but I don't know if it's necessarily sustainable over the long run. Or maybe it goes in cycles.

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Fandom takes a lot of energy, and it can be a beautiful obsession, but I don't know if it's necessarily sustainable over the long run. Or maybe it goes in cycles.

All of that is true, and sometimes, I have the energy even when RL is crazy because I NEED the fannish obsession. But right now, I don't NEED it. I'm okay without it.

[denynothing1.livejournal.com]

My fannishness ebbs and flows -- there was a point after *my* show ended where I was positive I'd never be fannish about anything again, certainly not to the point of writing fic -- and that held true for quite a long time. But then a spark -- and the nature of that spark is still a mystery to me -- lit a flame and I dove back in. But I've discovered that I'm probably never going to be consumed the way I was back in the day and I'm sort of okay with it now. But I do miss it.

Maybe you're just in the banked ember stage yourself, and some dry kindling will come along at some point. But embers can be toasty. And pretty in their own way.

In conclusion, {{Thea}}

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Hugs you honey. Right now? I'm so very cool with embers:)

[ropo.livejournal.com]

Nah, you're not boring! Well, then again, I'm not a fan myself these days. But YOU are like a fandom unto yourself. We're all Theaphiles.

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Hee! Oh dude, I want someone to write me fic about the really exciting life I'm not actually leading! It should have lots of sex and very few bills!!

[kernezelda]

Not boring. Topiary discussions might be a bit bewildering, but I am interested in your life, as well as your fannish endeavors.

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Hee:) Bewildering how, dear?

[kernezelda]

I can't really fathom why anyone would want to do it in the first place. Legs for custom, underarms for lessening of nasal pollution, even trimming the verge for bikini wear. But topiary, razing, waxing? It seems like overkill.

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Generally, although not always, and not universally, it's a, um... It's an aesthetic choice, definitely, although one I've been wary of in the past. Also, it can be a... courtesy. To outsiders.

[raithen.livejournal.com]

it also can change the sensations for sex and masturbation.

and the aesthetics, for me, matter -- I like the way it looks and feels when I am well groomed. And that matters even in my current terribly celibate state ;)

And honestly, a BIG reason that I started and kept waxing more rigorously, and trimming the rest short has to do with riding -- long and lots of hair down there while on horseback can PULL something fierce. My poor mom pulled most of her hair OUT one long trail ride in a saddle that was too small for her. And I know other women have the same issue....

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

My poor mom pulled most of her hair OUT one long trail ride in a saddle that was too small for her. And I know other women have the same issue....

Ouchy, ouchy, ouchy!!!

[kernezelda]

In the deep recesses of my mind, I have memories of trying this in college, and being completely distracted from any thought of classwork or lectures or pretty much anything but concentrating on the sensitized flesh.

And then it itched.

Also, your poor mom, ouch!

[arthurfrdent.livejournal.com]

*chuckle* your fan-sin is being a human being? heh... sorry kiddo. THAT is what makes you a lifer. You may never burn as brightly again as you did for THAT SHOW... but it is who you are everyday that makes you interesting. ;)

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Hee. Today? Today I am not that interesting. But I have high hopes for tomorrow:)

[sugargroupie.livejournal.com]

While you may have hit a lull in your fannish output you still manage to make what you create when you come back - even temporarily - effortless. FWIW I enjoy reading your non-fannish posts, even if I don't comment.

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Thanks honey - on both fronts.

[suenix.livejournal.com]

Okay, fandom? Has never been any thing else to me than a means to meet
and correspond with other people. I have friends that I met on line and In real life
going back to 1991. Most of us no longer even enjoy the books or shows that
"brought us together". But I still have strong friendships with dozens of great
men and women that I would never have found without those common interests.

So it's all good , we all still have each other.

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

All of that is very true:)

twitter

[projectcyborg.livejournal.com]

you're on a mac, right? what you want is Twitterrific. easiest thing in the world. although I think em just does it all online (and wait, who are you on twitter?). also, she says you've been faithful about checking in with her. thank you for that.

I'm planning a major personal fandom hiatus for after BSG ends. right now, I'm really looking forward to it.

Re: twitter

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Honestly, it was remembering about Twitter that allowed me to check up on Em, which made me want to play with it myself.

And the checking in will continue! No fears.

I've got an account, but I don't have a...me, there yet. Right now, my account thinks I'm the real me, so I need to change it.

[ainsley.livejournal.com]

It's funny how we perceive being fannish and being not fannish, because I am increasing my fannishness and fandom activity, and view you as being far more active than I am. Ah, perception, a crazy beast, especially as all we see is the tiny slice posted here.

And you're never remotely boring. Ever.