Busy as a bee

[itsallovernow]

Typical jam packed weekend including going to a vodka freezer and wearing a big fake fur coat and trying Korean vodka, Polish vodka, Black Cherry infused vodka (highly recommended!!) and a dark chocolate orange vodka from CA that was like a tiny sip of desert. I had a martini first. The hangover was inevitable.

Sunday morning I drove out to Ventura to volunteer at a Triathlon which mostly involved me directly traffic for lost cars:) But we got to cheer on the last handful of racers and I have to admit to being inspired. The final competitor to cross the finish line had been paralized 6 years earlier, worked his way back up to competing. He did the full Olympic course, too. Made me want to start training for at least the swimming portion (although they swim in the ocean, all slicked up like seals and that terrifies me). I'm also thinking of training to run a 5K, but currently, I can barely run a mile. I'm not sure I'll ever work up to running 3!!

When I told crankygrrl that I was volunteering for this, she burst out laughing. Kath, I believe, imagines me sitting around all sparkly and glittery eating bonbons and ordering around my cabana boys. Oh that this were true.

It has, however, given rise to a lot of thought about how we were raised to perceive ourselves, how we categorize ourselves and others, and how we take those categorizations and translate them into the texts we take in and the texts we create.

For me, I was always given free reign to wear frilly dresses or Levis or whatever I wanted (willfull has been an apt adjective for me since birth). It was always easier to let me choose my clothing than fight about it. The same level of choice was given to me in terms of toys. I had a slew of dolls, Barbies, my mom's dolls, etc., but I also had tractors, backhoes, lincoln logs, etc. My toys weren't gender neutral, but my upbringing was. And while I've developed a preference for presenting myself as very feminine, as girly, I'm also competent at the less "frilly" aspects of life. I swim, I can play tennis, I can run (if I have to). I've played basketball, I've played baseball, I've learned how to beat the shit out of people, and I've learned how to do all kinds of dance. I can change a tire,and a sparkplug and take apart a sink (and my odds of putting it back together correctly are probably 60/40) and could probably change my own oil, although I got really distracted when learning this and it'd be a crapshoot.

My parents didn't differentiate in masculine/feminine tasks. Or literature. Or modeling. And I'm self-involved enough to still be surprised at being categorized based on my gender, and even stranger within the contexts and definitions of my gender.

And one of the really interesting things that Kath and I discussed was how we try to recreate and subvert the stereotypes and limitations of our particular upbringings and prejudices within our own writing. I think we do the same thing in what we take in, but we absolutely become aware of this in what we output.

I'd love to hear how other people approach this. Are your characters more or less feminine than you? Competent? Talented? Troubled? Do you look at them and think, "Huh, I would never do that." Do you ever change their actions so that they more effectively represent something you "wish" you were capable of or vice versa, do you give them characteristics that are "less" than yours. (And yes, characters develop organically, but we maintain a degree of control). When you look back, do you think, huh? I'm surprised that character A, B or C can or can not do X, Y, or Z?

Particularly in fic writing, how much do you nudge the characters into certain attitudes and competencies? Particularly ones that can be handwaved by canon even if there's nothing to support it? (Something that always made me raise my eyebrow in X-Files fic was the idea of Scully sleeping in boxers and a t-shirt. We never see this. We always see her in formal sleep wear. She doesn't read as an informal person, and yet this choice gets co-opted by writers who can't imagine anyone sleeping in actual pajamas. It isn't something that reflects much on the writer, and sometimes happens in the middle of a story that is just dead to rights on characterization, but it's an interesting choice nonetheless).

And how do these models of upbringing, these ways we perceive ourselves effect what we want to watch, who we want to watch? I enjoy women (in character) who are competent in their violence, who can control it, who embrace it. I love Aeryn because her violence isn't misplaced rage, it's a skill, it's a characteristic, and she learns how to use it or not use it. I would not want to level the sort of damage on a person that she's capable of, but I admire the character for that ability. Likewise, with both Buffy and Faith, it's incredibly empowering to see young women given the ability to fight back physically - not because it's sexy - but because young women are so often robbed of their power, of their self-perception, of their sense of being invulnerable. Once puberty hits, girls are vulnerable in so many ways, are forced to confront sexuality before they're often ready, to fend off advances and looks and leers and their own conflicting images of self. Joss Whedon empowered Buffy and Faith to fight back, gave them a way to keep their sense of self and to have tools to use against the world that was waiting to exploit them. And he also gave them the consequences of those tools - the way rage and envy can cloud you, the way power (sexuality coded as violence) becomes heady, the way that everything is always, always a choice.

I have issues with Starbuck for the same reasons. I feel like Ron Moore has robbed her of her own violence by making her an abused child lashing out against the world. How much sexier to make her a girl who's good with a gun, who's got bigger balls than anyone else in the fleet. How much more exciting to watch that girl struggle with the world falling apart, with shutting people out, with loving what you can't have, with being betrayed by your heroes.

Oh, and I continue to watch Hex, and yet...each episode could be about 20 minutes shorter. There are vast scenes of Cassie looking longing and morose where NOTHING AT ALL happens. Oy.

Comments

[life-on-queen.livejournal.com]

Kath, I believe, imagines me sitting around all sparkly and glittery eating bonbons and ordering around my cabana boys. Oh that this were true.

See, this? This is you projecting. I don't see you that way but I have to admit, I don't think of you in the "sporty - interested in taking up marathoning" kind of way. I don't think of you as indolent - you work far too fucking much for that - although I do think of you as girly but, given that you've always been active - krav maga, dance - it's more of a sparkly 'go to the martini' bar girly rather than a lolling on the chaise kinda of girly. And, really, I've never thought of you as being someone who would enjoy marathoning - your physical activities have always been rather more... directed than that: I tend to think of running as a kind of unfocused, pointless task.

Oh, and I continue to watch Hex, and yet...each episode could be about 20 minutes shorter. There are vast scenes of Cassie looking longing and morose where NOTHING AT ALL happens. Oy.

I did warn you. If there were more hot lesbian shit and less angst-whoring, it would be 100 per cent more interesting show. Hex, I think, is the only show I've ever watched where I didn't find any of the male leads in the least bit attractive (except for Colin Salmon - yowr!). Azazel I just want to smother with his flowing black coat. Oy. *eyeroll*

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Is Colin Salmon the headmastery guy who was on Prime Suspect?

[life-on-queen.livejournal.com]

Yes.

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Mmmmmmm.

[raithen.livejournal.com]

because young women are so often robbed of their power, of their self-perception, of their sense of being invulnerable. Once puberty hits, girls are vulnerable in so many ways, are forced to confront sexuality before they're often ready, to fend off advances and looks and leers and their own conflicting images of self.

this really resonates for me right now, because we have some teenaged girls coming to aikido regularly, and I keep finding myself making comments, suggesting things that are designed to empower them when they are outside the dojo....

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

The thing I can say about teenagers, particularly girls, though is that they've kind of got to come to it on their own. Encourage them at the dojo, encourage them to do Aikido because you're there and part of that reality for them. Other suggestions are probably going to be... politely accepted and then ignored:)

[raithen.livejournal.com]

ya, that is totally it, but we also make a point of talking about how subtle changes in techniques can make them WAY more effective in the real world ;) (eg, raise your elbow here to really smack someone etc).... ;)

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Hee. Exactly.

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Hee:) No, I'm not the marathoning type. That's very very true:) And yeah, I'm sure that's me projecting.

I just find our differences in perception really fascinating:) It goes back to the what we did as kids thing, I think.

This is the icon I meant to use above

[life-on-queen.livejournal.com]

What resonates for me is Claudia Black's comment about playing Aeryn like a girl who'd never been told it was wrong to play with GI Joes. It's weird, I don't think my dad ever discouraged me from being interested in being a cop or a soldier but he once slapped me for playing with my GI Joes at a family party (hey, I was 12, I was bored and even then, I preferred my own imagination to boredom), which now that I think about it, probably explains why, at 30, I started buying myself every action figure that caught my eye...

Anyway, there was that pull, between the "boyish" girl I wanted to be and my parents' refusal to let me cut my hair (until I was ten) or wear pants all the time. These were things they eventually let go of but, still, it's funny in a way - Star Wars figures were fine for my dad's daughter, GI Joes were not......

Re: This is the icon I meant to use above

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

That is fascinating... I, hmmm, no one ever told me not to play with things or not to do things. My dad and I had a fight once about me reading the Soap Opera recaps because I'd watch soaps in the summer with my grandmothers and then want to know what happened, but other than that, I did pretty much what I wanted.

GI Joes were dull because they involved no clothing changes. Ken was dull because he only had one outfit and did not have bendy legs:) But I had a lovely pair of fake ivory handled six shooters and a fabulous backhoe.

Keep in mind though, my parents were totally touchy feely intellectual hippies. And there wasn't going to be anything that their kid didn't think she could do. The real world was sort of a rude awakening, but I still think it's a valuable way to raise a kid.

Re: This is the icon I meant to use above

[life-on-queen.livejournal.com]

I agree. I'm a big believer in letting kids follow their imaginations where they take them instead of where they wanted them to go.

Now that I think more on it... I think it had a lot more to do with what it was appropriate for a young woman to be interested than a kid (I guess at 12, I was kinda on the cusp). My parents have always made me feel self-conscious about being interested in scifi etc.... Probably didn't do a lot in terms of nuturing a healthy self-image.

Re: This is the icon I meant to use above

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I developed - emotionally and physically - pretty quickly and there were times when I wanted to actively retreat to childhood, and childhood things. My folks were pretty good about never saying anything when I'd take my Trixie Belden books with me years past when they were appropriate to my reading level.

Having geek parents does help with not feeling self-concious about geekdom.

[simplystars.livejournal.com]

Ken was dull because he only had one outfit and did not have bendy legs:)

Ken's hair was also stupid. :D

Must. Stop. Listening. To. Snow. Patrol.

[life-on-queen.livejournal.com]

Also, my dad was an evil fucker when I was sort of 10-16 and completely crushed my sense of myself, I think. I'm 33 and I'm still trying to get over some of the things he'd say to me about my appearance when he was drunk and mean.

Dad and I, although I try sometimes, are never going to have a normal relationship. It's always going to be rice paper over broken eggshells. Sometimes I think he looks at me and tries to figure out who I am, and sometimes he looks at me and thinks what a horrible, fat disappointment I am, and sometimes I think he looks at me and doesn't see me at all....

Re: Must. Stop. Listening. To. Snow. Patrol.

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Hugs you. And wants to beat your dad with something. My dad was mostly supportive and loving and his expectations of me - spoken and unspoken - have fed into everything single thing I've done that I've felt would be a disappointment to him. Most of it's in my head, but a lot of it is a result of wanting to please him. A lot of me feeling like a failure for not being more of a success stem from what I feel like he wanted me to be able to accomplish.

I will say though, in regards to moving on, that you have to. Let go of a lot of the fallout from your relationship with your dad, and move forward, whatever that means for you.

Re: Must. Stop. Listening. To. Snow. Patrol.

[life-on-queen.livejournal.com]

There is a list and a line, and I believe R. keeps the sign up sheet. But if anyone's going to beat my dad with something, I'll go first. I dunno, I try to let it go and I mostly think I forgive him (if, possibly, because he said stuff drunk that he'd never say sober and I think he probably horrified himself) but, if you get right down to it, the evil, hateful, self-loathing part of my brain is his creature...

Re: Must. Stop. Listening. To. Snow. Patrol.

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but at some point, you have to own that part. You have to say, "Okay, it came from here. But now it's mine. And what do I do with it."

Re: Must. Stop. Listening. To. Snow. Patrol.

[life-on-queen.livejournal.com]

Mmm, yeah, but how do you do that?

Re: Must. Stop. Listening. To. Snow. Patrol.

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

Well, therapy, for one. Redirecting the rage for another. And always, always being concious of the fact that the nasty, self-loathing part of you is full of shit.

Re: Must. Stop. Listening. To. Snow. Patrol.

[cofax7]

Not to butt in, and I don't have that kind of relationship with my dad, but I got this kind of advice once about a horrible boss, which was to acknowledge that I wasn't ever going to Win. He was never going to say, "I was wrong and treated you badly and you were right." That was a really helpful thing to learn, and while you went through much worse things with your dad, I think that, as Thea said, focusing on taking ownership of yourself and simply moving on is one way to try to deal with it.

I'd offer hugs if I were there in person.

[simplystars.livejournal.com]

::butts in too::

I did have that sort of 'relationship' with my father - if by relationship here we mean often drunk, always critical, always right and never satisfied.

When I was eight he cheated on my mother; long complicated story but the turning point was after she'd forgiven him and he came to me to confess and ask forgiveness - he was big into the Bible then - except to me, it was a sham. And I told him I didn't know if I could forgive him, because I'd seen how hurt and upset my mother had been while he was gone (it was a couple months).

And he, the adult, held that against me, the child, from that moment on. And many other nasty things were said, and things happened, and yes I think my relationship with men has been shaped by it - but at some point I realized how he was broken, and searching, and I felt pity for him. Not love; pity.

He was never going to say, "I was wrong and treated you badly and you were right."

Yes. And learning to accept that, to put away those parts of the past that can only hurt and not help, it's so very hard. But if you can do it, also tremendously liberating. And ditto what Thea said about therapy - find someone who listens, and asks the right questions, the hard questions that make you look at yourself (without feeling guilty or like a failure) and who can help you take those steps.

Re: Must. Stop. Listening. To. Snow. Patrol.

[raithen.livejournal.com]

and a good keeper of that sheet she is.

reiterates the {{hugs}}

[cretkid.livejournal.com]

I'd given one of my Xfiles stories to a friend to read and she caught me on the pajama thing with Scully - oddly enough - but I was able to get away with it (she was in a pair of mulder's running pants and a tshirt) because her overnight bag was in the back of Donny Pfaster's car. BWUAAAAAA.

But overall, I try to write the characters as in canon, and if I'm not comfortable writing something 'girly' because it's beyond my personal experience, I simply don't write it.

Do I give characters some of my own traits? Yes, complete with the hand waving of 'it might just be canon'. Why not have Toby juggle those stupid pink stick ball balls he was always throwing at Sam's window? Why not let CJ be able to sink a free throw with one hand (which I can't do, but at the same time, I also threw in there that it's the only shot she CAN make repeatedly). Might Aeryn Sun be good with dogs? Sure, why the hell not. There's nothing in canon to say that she isn't. But then again, there's nothing in canon to suggest that Toby CAN juggle, that CJ CAN play basketball, or that a dog might just try to hatch Aeryn Sun's foot (yes, that was definately me projecting my Tucker on the show... Mary Dog Sue! Or should that be Merry Dog Stu?). Anyway...

A good author can make it fit in seamlessly. Sometimes it's a jarring push out of the fantasy when you read something that goes against canon in your brain. But the good authors will work it in and you may never catch it.

I grew up in a house where just about everything was 'genderless'. My sister and I wanted to play 'cops and robbers' and rather than buy us cheap plastic guns, my father carved us rifles out of 2x4's (I still have these at home). And at the same time, he also made us play ovens and doll houses, 'lincoln logs' and tinker toys (we had a lot of scrap wood around the house) and we made dolls and bears and frogs and fish out of old pillows and whatnot. A lot of that experience does indeed get thrown into the background of some of my characters (I had Josh, for example, walk into a set of kitchen cabinet doors because I had done the same thing; I thought it might work).

We write best what we know best. Sometimes it jives. And sometimes it doesn't.

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

But the good authors will work it in and you may never catch it.

Exactly. I can buy nearly anything if it's written well. And I like the moments of saying, "We don't know they can't do that. Let's see if it works."

[cofax7]

Hey, I wrote Scully as a rock-climber. And... it worked. Somehow. ::shrugs helplessly::

I don't think I'd have the guts to do that now, btw. But I did then.

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

But it did work! I think... it's the skill of the writer, but it's also fitting the action into the characterization without altering the character. Keeping the fundamentals.

I like this kind of thing when it's seamless, when it works despite itself:)

[cretkid.livejournal.com]

and I could see Scully rock climbing; hell, I put that into a story (sorta - spelunking anyway), probably because I had read it somewhere (gee, I wonder where?!?!) and it worked so it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility.

When there's a character that you have a common background with -- for Scully, it was easy for me to climb in her head because of similar 'backgrounds': military family (though my dad wasn't in active service my entire life), catholic upbringing and possibly catholic school education - based on one flashback in "Piper Maru" - a undergraduate degree in Physics that I didn't pursue further (ok, so the PhD is technically in Geological Sciences, but the focus is somewhat physics related), and working in a field that is predominantly male-dominated. Some of the connections may be a bit tenuous, but it was easier for me to slip little details like growing up with dogs, knowing how to hack a computer, that sort of thing because of that connection.

eh. :D But it worked for me. BWUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa.

[fourteenlines.livejournal.com]

I find that, a lot of the time, I write characters better, more fully-formed, when they are not like me. If they're too much like me it's too much like I'm working out my own issues in the story, which is why I'll never be writing a Rose-centric Father's Day fic.

But, just as an example, I loved Scully, I worshipped her, I wanted so much to be just like her, but I had a devil of a time writing her. I think now that I have some perspective, it's been a bit easier, but I'm still struggling with her in this one story I'm writing.

Whereas Aeryn and I have ZILCH in common, but it was much much easier for me to get inside her head. Probably because it wasn't too closely intertwined with the bizarre crap going on in my head.

I also think this is why I have trouble creating my own female characters in original writing. I want to write what I know, but the who I know is too difficult for me to write. So I borrow other people's characters for awhile instead. *g*

[thassalia.livejournal.com]

I've found that when I've coopted the things I love from pre-formed characters, I can then distill them back into their own person. And it's taken me a long time to move into writing my own characters, enough distance from my childhood, my own development.

I think it's why, so frequently, first novels by young writers are coming of age stories. They are writing a version of their story, a story they know at least, and why second novels can be such a challenge.