![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Edging Up on Thankfulness
Nov. 21st, 2006 01:33 pmWeekend ushered in an implosion of my finances and some serious depression, the two directly related. This is just an endlessly frustrating cycle and I am so miserably tired of it.
On the upside, I feel like whatever change or opportunity comes my way, I'm ready. (Although I also realize that you have to seek out change, seek out opportunity, but I've always been someone who both craved change and was terrified of it which leaves me a little stymied, push pulling myself into stagnation). I love LA, but I'm ready to look at what leaving will mean, and stop thinking about leaving here as just another example of failure.
I think re-reading "Tam Lin", which is actually a far more satisfactory novel of life at a private liberal arts college than it is a fairy tale, really took me back to being an undergraduate, to that person I was then and what I wanted and hoped for and thought, and I got stuck there for a few days, so disconcerted by looking around me at this hot and dry city, this place with light and palm trees and exhaust and that sheeny glow. I almost had to grieve for not being that person, for having moved on, and not lived up to my potential.
My parents are so dear, both thinking that demanding that I sell my novel as part of my debt to them will be signs of love and encouragement. It is, but the pressure makes it hard for me to breathe. They don't even know if I can write - I mean sure I could write as a child and a teenager, but how do they know I can write as an adult? It terrifies me, that faith they have in my abilities, how misplaced and misguided and genuine it is.
I did watch TV, and must say again that My Name is Earl is pure and utter love for me. Funny and sweet and clever and triptastic and so goddamned enthusiastic. I love it.
Heroes continues to fill me with glee as well. Despite the clunky writing, I find it so utterly charming, so whole-heartedly embracing its premise that I'm willing to trust it (even this early in the game), willing to trust that the answers and actions of the characters will be satisfying, will make me care. It isn't a show filled with tons of angst, but there's so damned much hear there that it's just such a lovely thing to show up for and buy into. ( Spoilers for 'Homecoming' )
I also watched Studio 60, although I wasn't sure I was going to, and lo and behold I thoroughly enjoyed this ep. ( Spoilers )
On the upside, I feel like whatever change or opportunity comes my way, I'm ready. (Although I also realize that you have to seek out change, seek out opportunity, but I've always been someone who both craved change and was terrified of it which leaves me a little stymied, push pulling myself into stagnation). I love LA, but I'm ready to look at what leaving will mean, and stop thinking about leaving here as just another example of failure.
I think re-reading "Tam Lin", which is actually a far more satisfactory novel of life at a private liberal arts college than it is a fairy tale, really took me back to being an undergraduate, to that person I was then and what I wanted and hoped for and thought, and I got stuck there for a few days, so disconcerted by looking around me at this hot and dry city, this place with light and palm trees and exhaust and that sheeny glow. I almost had to grieve for not being that person, for having moved on, and not lived up to my potential.
My parents are so dear, both thinking that demanding that I sell my novel as part of my debt to them will be signs of love and encouragement. It is, but the pressure makes it hard for me to breathe. They don't even know if I can write - I mean sure I could write as a child and a teenager, but how do they know I can write as an adult? It terrifies me, that faith they have in my abilities, how misplaced and misguided and genuine it is.
I did watch TV, and must say again that My Name is Earl is pure and utter love for me. Funny and sweet and clever and triptastic and so goddamned enthusiastic. I love it.
Heroes continues to fill me with glee as well. Despite the clunky writing, I find it so utterly charming, so whole-heartedly embracing its premise that I'm willing to trust it (even this early in the game), willing to trust that the answers and actions of the characters will be satisfying, will make me care. It isn't a show filled with tons of angst, but there's so damned much hear there that it's just such a lovely thing to show up for and buy into. ( Spoilers for 'Homecoming' )
I also watched Studio 60, although I wasn't sure I was going to, and lo and behold I thoroughly enjoyed this ep. ( Spoilers )
