My Body's Gotta Beat, But You Can't Dance To It
So, over the past few years, I've finally come to terms with the un-altered (meaning un-birth control affected) cycle of my body. And have come to some conclusions. Namely, that two weeks a month I'm a different person - happy, confident, full of momentum. One week I'm a basket case - inexorably sad, unable to force myself into action, overwhelmed by the world, and one week I'm in between.
What I really know is that exercise, sleep and diet can help even all of this out, and that when I don't follow the patterns I know to be helpful, the depression and sadness extends, my feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness increase, and the two weeks of normal get compressed into maybe a few good days.
You'd think, knowing that, that exercise and good health would be easier to achieve. You'd be wrong, but you'd think it. It's hard to combat the freedom to do exactly what I want - stay up late, drink a little too much, eat crap, not exercise. The fact that I feel better needs to be reinforced for long enough to make it more worthwhile than me just saying "fuck you" to NOT sabotaging myself. Part of this marathon training (the part that isn't about me dealing with my relationship with my father, dealing with his state and condition, dealing with my fears and issues and regrets) is about forcing that feeling into a routine, getting used to it so that doing the things that make me feel like I'm worthless, like I don't have anything to offer, like it's better to make it all stop, making those feelings the aberrations, the things to shun, not the looming constant threat that I know will hit when I'm not looking.
In other news, ( Bones finale. )
What I really know is that exercise, sleep and diet can help even all of this out, and that when I don't follow the patterns I know to be helpful, the depression and sadness extends, my feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness increase, and the two weeks of normal get compressed into maybe a few good days.
You'd think, knowing that, that exercise and good health would be easier to achieve. You'd be wrong, but you'd think it. It's hard to combat the freedom to do exactly what I want - stay up late, drink a little too much, eat crap, not exercise. The fact that I feel better needs to be reinforced for long enough to make it more worthwhile than me just saying "fuck you" to NOT sabotaging myself. Part of this marathon training (the part that isn't about me dealing with my relationship with my father, dealing with his state and condition, dealing with my fears and issues and regrets) is about forcing that feeling into a routine, getting used to it so that doing the things that make me feel like I'm worthless, like I don't have anything to offer, like it's better to make it all stop, making those feelings the aberrations, the things to shun, not the looming constant threat that I know will hit when I'm not looking.
In other news, ( Bones finale. )