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*Go California with your bad progressive self!!!!!

*Our house is eating electronics. The latest to go is the CD player which ate my CD last Friday right before a performance, leaving me no time to make a new one since I spent the extra time trying to free the old one from captivity. This included unscrewing the faceplate from the body of the rest of the machine, and then abandoning that plan when the sound of cracking plastic became too pervasive.

When I told M. what I did, he gave me this look of horror, and then said, "You know, the CD player's been living in fear all these years." My reply, "what, because it sits on the VCR? You think the VCR has been filling its head with tales of my home repair projects? It's been terrifying the CD player with the epic tale of how I took it's head off and rooted around in it's brain?" M:"Yes, yes, excactly!"

* The thing about depression that no one tells you is how it lies to you, how it strips you of hope so that it can lie. My depression tells me that it's hopeless, that change is impossible, that I'll never be other than what I am. Nothing more than my worst fears. When it lifts, I know differently: I know change is possible, just like I know that my odds of having sex again aren't a million to one. But when that depression is wrapped tightly, suffocatingly, it's impossible to believe that I'll be anything other than what I fear I am.

Monday night and I'm getting in my car and the night's been lovely, and far less awkward than it could have been and I say, "I'm glad you're doing well," and honestly mean it, and he says, "You too. You seem to be doing really well." and I should have left it, but couldn't. "This week," I say. "This week's an upswing. And I'm grateful for that." I shut the door on the moment because I should have kept it but couldn't. But depression is the liar, and not me, even if it ruins the moment. I haven't been okay, and I'm finally seeing that I will be, can be.

* To anyone who has donated, or would like to donate to the Marathoning for Stroke Foundation dollars cause, please e-mail me your address to thassalia at yahoo. The stroke foundation is going to pay postage for fundraising letters, and I figure I'll slip some thank yous into that mix! Also, and this is a refrain you'll hear for the next six months, let me know if you want to donate. I'll send you the info.

* I can has copy editor!!! Go me with only doing my job for the next few weeks!!!

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January 2016

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