itsallovernow: (No-Kerne)
So, married life is good, and work is crazy, and I haven't been writing much, and we've been watching a whole bunch of West Wing and competition cooking shows, because that's kind of what you do. We go to trivia twice a week, and it's a good life. A happy life.

Over the course of this, I've spent some time trying to write about my experience in fandom (I have a long rambling essay about it), and trying to explain it to my husband, and the intersection of those experiences, plus the every present stories that inevitably come out of Comic-con of young women dealing with the rampant sexism has made me start to actual start thinking about what I want to do in the face of that.

And I still don't know, but I know that fandom was one of the greatest gifts I've received in terms of support, and skill, and expanding my talents, confidence, and broadening my horizons. And I think I want to create a space- real, and virtual, for young women that offers the same support and networking and mentorship of fandom. Potentially with a scholarship component that provides some funds for travel, for classes, for registration fees, and hotel fees, and class fees. Something that brings women and girls together, particularly those with a fannish or geeky bent, to support each other and learn from each other, and come together in a variety of spaces.

Mentoring, man. Over and over I read that mentoring and networking gets people to that place where they are pursuing things they would otherwise lack access to. No group I know of mentors more organically than fandom - no group is more welcoming, and honest, and consistent in encouraging growth without competition, and while I know that you can't recreate the organic set of connections that rise up around a shared fandom, I think that you can offer some of those connections, and actions, and reactions and resources! Many of you have been mentors to me, to others, and I know have been mentored, even if that definition isn't what we'd normally think of, but I maintain that that encouragement, guidance, betaing - it's all mentoring!

I don't know exactly how, but I know that I want to kick start that process, begin with a kernel of something to offer young women (and older women) more chances, more resources - coding, and writing, and creating, science, and science fiction, and connection.

So, thoughts, resources, buy-in, suggestions, criticisms, volunteers?
itsallovernow: (No-Kerne)
I need to be clear. I love 11. I love Matt Smith's vision and interpretation of him. I loved the Ponds. I loved them all together. I was distraught, oh so distraught, at the end of the Ponds' run.

And despite all that, I do enjoy Clara, but there's something missing in the last few episodes. Some of it is the lack of a thruline in the story-telling, which was the thing that held some of Moffat's more lunatic choices together. We were in it with the Ponds. We were part of their lives. It didn't really matter if things didn't make sense. It was big, intense family drama with two amazing women at the center of it.

And for me, despite the messiness and inconsistencies in tone that have characterized this season, my biggest issue is that while I like Clara, I have no real feeling for her, and part of that is I have no sense of what she's left behind. Why, beyond a desire to see the universe, is she traveling with the Doctor? He's compelled by her, by her mystery, and her adorableness, clearly. But what's in it for her - what's she running from and running towards?

The most compelling parts of the companions motivations is always a combination of who they are and what they're seeking - Rose wanted to touch something bigger than herself, Martha wanted the Doctor and adventure, Donna wanted out of Chiswick, Amy wanted to connect with the Raggedy Man. All of them wanted more than the world they saw in front of them, all for different reasons -Rose to escape the inevitability of a small life, Martha to escape family obligation, Donna the obligations of settling for less, and Amy the obligations of the life the Doctor had created in his disastrous and wonderful promise to her as a child.

But what does Clara want? By making her the mystery, by giving the Doctor's desire for her story more weight than Clara's own story, we get robbed of the ties that make the companion part of Earth, part of the other, and therefore we lose what ties us to these companions, their vision of the universe filtered through such human eyes, connected to humanity.

We Did

Feb. 20th, 2013 04:33 pm
itsallovernow: (No-Kerne)
In spite of so many moments and discussions that basically revolved around the concept of me not knowing how to get married in a traditional sense, we got married in a gloriously fun, nerdy, romantic, sunny wedding full of sobbing (we were all sobbing, I think), Daleks, fascinators, Monopoly, flowers, dancing, promises and kisses. The people I love most were there (minus a few because it was such a small wedding and in Colorado), and I married my best friend.

My goal, post wedding, is more writing, more reflection, more using my time wisely. More celebrating with and of all those amazing people in my life.
itsallovernow: (No-Kerne)
So there's been an impromptu memorial service planned for Emily tonight in L.A. If you're in the city, come by. It's at Casey's starting at 7. There will be people I know and love, and people I've never met. It's pretty much what I think she'd have wanted and I'm grateful for her friend who arranged it before the rest of us could figure out how to get past the shock. Em's friends are good people.

I've written something that even if I don't read is pretty much what I want to say, and I thought I'd share it here in case I chicken out and don't read it.

You Can't Pay Tribute, You Just Play the Blues )
itsallovernow: (No-Kerne)
I haven't really had time to write down anything about losing [ profile] iamsab. M. called me on my way to work on Thursday, having seen the postings of mutual friends on Facebook. I spent all day Thursday trying to prepare for a work trip Fri-Sun that I couldn't get out of, and crying, and not really prepping because how do you put aside the immediacy of losing someone that you never expected to lose. That seemed so intensely present in the world that even when I hadn't had a conversation with her in a year, that didn't really seem like anything more than something that would reset itself with ease once I saw her again.

I knew Em after a lot of people did. I don't know how to talk about her legacy in fandom. I watched it from a distance, and wanted to know her because of it, but I didn't know her through it, simply because of it. Our friendship was in person by way of all the people on the internet she knew, and we were close, but not always intimate. She was so many things I wasn't - me the straight girl to her all encompassing not-straight girl energy, her boundless fearlessness against my restraint, my rigid scheduling to her...not rigid scheduling, my corporate job, her words - and I adored her. She was alight and alive and I need to really write down what I want to say. But she came into my life through Farscape,introduced to me by [ profile] cofax7 and really became part of it when I mentioned going to see Tom McRae and Jude, and of course, she loved Jude and we stood at the side of Hotel Cafe with one of my in real life friends and Em who was all internet and I just adored her, and was terrified of her, and wanted to impress her, and wanted to be her, and pretty soon, just wanted to know her.

She was fearless when I wasn't - jabbing me in the stomach when I couldn't give myself a Heperin shot. Giving me cigarettes and evenings on her porch. Shouting at Craig Finn in joy, and taking me to the Hold Steady show because the ad she'd posted offering her ticket to the perfect fan left her disappointed, and I was willing to go (and drive her there:) Opening up a world of people to me, and tossing me out to them. Convincing me to write for Multiverse, and never finishing her own story. Making me think that dressing up as girl-Captain Jack was a good idea for Halloween when she went as the perfect version of girlTen.

Like so many of us, I owe a tremendous amount of my identity to her. I cannot believe she's not here to say that to in person. I desperately tried to help her walk in heels (unsuccessfully), and she helped me figure out how to stomp through my own life and choices.

My heart and my thoughts are with her family - who she adored, and her friends who are hurting. I don't know how to not take this personally yet. I break into conversations I'm not part of, memories I don't share, because I'm trying to process my own. So forgive me that. I can't really figure out a profound way to say how much I miss her, how I miss her, and how absurd her loss feels in the face of things. I knew such a small part of her, and loving her wasn't the easiest thing. Stepping away from her was often the only option to keep your own heart together. But the girl we all loved was a girl we're absolutely lesser without.
itsallovernow: (Default)
We are getting married in a little less than six weeks, and it looks very much like we will have a wedding that makes everyone 90% happy. Based on the last nearly two years with Mr.Thea (hee), the marriage itself will make us both very happy. That seems like better than a lot of people get. I'm letting go of the freaking out, and the inevitable comparisons to what I think "should be done." We're even enjoying the plans a little.

We just watched all of new Doctor Who (starting with the 9th Doctor through the latest Christmas special last night). He is hooked, he still favors Tennant, and he gave me "Don't Blink" earrings for Christmas. I consider that an absolute win. (Sadly, my trade for the all of the Doctor Who is a commitment to watching The O.C. Just occasionally I wonder if I'm marrying a teenage girl.)

In that vein, if there is good post-"Angels in Manhattan" fic, please to be pointing it out to me or I may be forced to write it myself.

I have also committed Yuletide, and end up pleased with the result. I got a very nice "Ballet Shoes" prezzie from my author. Thank you.

I have also started a new job as a content manager/editor. It is...sort of chaotic and frustrating and alternately exciting and satisfying. Above all, it's a learning experience, and one I was actively seeking when this company actively sought me out, so it's been a good thing.

But a crazy year, for sure.

I also just finished a VERY LONG essay on fandom that my writer's group likes a lot, and I fear is too long and rambly and leaves out too many things, but it's also a piece I'm already proud of, in part because it directly addresses my relationship with stories (particularly other people's stories) and the drive to connect with those stories.

I've been honest with soon-to-be Mr. T about my ficcy past. He's mostly dying to read what I've written. I won't let him until he's also finished all of Farscape. So far, despite the Doctor Who conversion, he remains dubious.
itsallovernow: (Default)
I am embracing (sort of) the wedding planning. We know it will be smallish, and we will do a reception in LA, and we like themes and I want cake, and we booked our venue and have decided upon the best ways of torturing our loved ones, and so we will be getting married next February 17th in Colorado. I perhaps need to spend less time obsessed with DIY party favors, and more time planning actual things.

Also, I am watching Bunheads and want more because it is so my type of show, in much the same way Gilmore Girls was, but now with dance.

We saw the Rock Bottom Remainders on Friday for a benefit concert and they were terrible but lovely, and it was as horrifying as you can imagine to see Amy Tan in a cat suit, singing "These Boots are Made for Walking", and whipping the other band members after shouting out, "50 Shades of Grey? I'll show you 100 Shades of Tan." Which was a great literary pun and also horrifying. But it was very cool to see Stephen King plan guitar, and Roger McGuinn do anything and I like that all these wonderfully nerdy writers, most of whom are best-sellers without huge critical acclaim, like to get together and have a good, if sonically sketchy, time.

I am behind on everything, although I'm writing about cocktails, and trying to figure out how to transition into a non-profit/psychology field, which would be facilitated if anyone would e-mail me back. Oh well, phone calls it is!

And y'all?
itsallovernow: (Default)
So we got officially engaged on Saturday, which was surprisingly emotional as we made the decision to get married when we fell in love (surprising no one more than myself who never wanted to be married).

And now there's a wedding to plan, and I want small and intimate and non-weddingy. But I also want it in Colorado because my father can't travel, and I want a ceremony where everyone participates in the day and I want to pay very little money, because I am a)broke and b)cheap and c) so appalled at the wedding industry that I refuse to support it.

Even, which is gross on every level, except super helpful too in the planning and budgeting makes me feel violently ill.

A wedding is two people coming together, having a binding ceremony and eating cake. It shouldn't be this...festival of excess where the bride is still treated like an expensive prize, except in this case an expensive prize who should have every whim met, or be made to feel like she should be planning a fucking festival instead of a binding.

I don't know - the ceremonial remnants of us selling our children for funds, for tying houses together, all this white, and pomp, and flowery stuff and it...I know people out there have had wonderful, personal weddings. I've been to quite a few.

So any stories, tips, memories or guidance would be so very, very welcome right now.

It does not help that my fiance is far more invested in the "trappings" of weddings than I am. Oh man the arguements we've had over the registry...
itsallovernow: (Default)
I'm still reading consistently every day, while not having much time to post. However, two notable accomplishments:

1. I have moved across town into a little birdhouse with the love of my life and our two short-bus cats. The big cat keeps trying to eat the little cat, and we can't keep him off the counters. Meanwhile she (being formerly feral, eight months old, and a non-sleeping at night diva) is living in the top of the closet. It is a daily adventure in cat non-detente. I lived in Laurel Canyon for 14 years, and have never considered myself a west sider. But I love the beach, and the way the light is in the part of town I'm in now (Mar Vista), and it's lovely and quiet-ish.

2. I wrote a Watch It/Skip It Guide for Farscape for a fabulous blog called Liz Tells Frank. I must admit that I could still give a summary and reaction to all 88 episodes without looking them up. I'm a little proud of that. Also, it was one of the most satisfying things I've written in ages. Go figure. Liz has done a whole series of these guides, so I'd suggest checking them out for Doctor Who and Fringe, if you need to pimp someone in and want to give them a way to figure out what's MUST SEE!
itsallovernow: (Default)
Driving across town after about 3 hours of sleep, the boy says to me, "I'm just saying, if we keep going at your pace, I'm going to die."

I agreed to a day spent puttering around the kitchen and watching TV in the immediate future. It seems unfair to drive him into an early grave. Of course, that day will have to be sometime in the future because we're going to ComicCon this weekend.

Yeah, that's right. Me, with my huge overwhelming panic sensation in crowded places, has agreed to go experience the event in person. It helps that he has to work, has gone 5 or 6 times for work, and that I'm really only going on Sunday when we can go together and he's no longer required to pay attention to work there. So, any advice from those of you who've gone before?

We also saw Harry Potter this weekend.Minor spoilers ).
itsallovernow: (Default)
Okay, if you haven't read this essay: Some Thoughts on Manpain, go read it. It's brilliant and funny. (also, there's a vid. But I haven't seen that yet since I can't watch it at work. But I'm sure it's equally brilliant).

And then, imagine having this concept explained to you (you being a boy) by three very excitable women (one of who you haven't been dating for very long, and two whom you just met 30 minutes ago) who have segued into it from a discussion/hard sell on the new "My Little Pony" show on Hub.

All things considered, he took it pretty well. The only fallout was on the ride home when he said, "But I love Batman." I replied, "It's okay honey, you can still love someone with manpain." It's safe to say he was more thrown by the gender politics discussion (not in a bad way, just in a "it's been a long day and I didn't expect that" way) than the revelation of my fan fiction writing.

As a result, I'd like to create a slideshow demonstrating the differences between "Manpain" and men in pain. I think that for me, just putting Lee Adama and John Crichton next to each other is adequate, but I may need to sell it a little further.
itsallovernow: (Default)
So I realize that I am massively behind the times for having never read The Bloggess

And with one post I was a convert: And that's why you should learn to pick your battles.

She's funny, snarky and very, very quick. And ridiculous. A fab combination.

Also, this post has several follow-ups including greeting cards and a wikipedia entry.

Best. Thing. Ever.

For some reason, this post makes me think of [ profile] haphazardmethod and her yard:)
itsallovernow: (Default)
So these are largely a bunch of rambling thoughts, and I'm marking them for spoilers, but I don't think there hugely spoilery if you haven't seen "A Good Man Goes to War."

I also have thoughts on identity and how much of the visual storytelling I love is really a reflection on identity and it's discovery.

Who's on First? )
itsallovernow: (Default)
I now have 5 things on my phone that I'm obsessed with:
My Weight Watchers mobile points tracker
The "This American Life" App
The NikePlus GPS tracker App
The Stitcher Smart Radio App
The HP ePrint App

Were I a rolling mobile office, I could be useful anywhere in the world! As it is, I'm only moderately useful in my ugly cubicle in Southern California. But I like knowing I could be living the dream of a job without fulltime pants.
itsallovernow: (Default)
I heard a review of this play where the main character looks for a way to walk out of his life. And it's not that I'm there. I have been, many times in the past year I was Right. There. Ready to put everything down and walk into anything new in order to escape the small life I'd created.

And while I'm not in that place anymore, the person I'd spent the last year and a half loving is disappearing bit by bit. I've never had to watch that before, and while we have no more official emotional entanglement, which is still sort of new after an extended period of unofficial emotional distance, it's still so fucking...difficult to watch. I feel helpless. I am helpless. He is the only one who can in fact save himself or drown. But, I just...I hate seeing it, and knowing that I can't do anything.

We saw "Bridesmaids" this weekend, and while I'm not sure it said new things, I think it said them in new ways and I loved that it focused on women and their strengths and weaknesses, craziness and friendship and that none of it was played for true humiliation and laughs, but for those real transitions we go through. Fucking hilarious, and yes broad and bawdy, and helmed by a stellar cast.

We also saw "Thor" last weekend which was goofy and thoroughly enjoyable, and Chris Hemsworth's abs, oh my fucking god.

I went to Prince on Friday with the nice boy who is nice to me, and it was also fucking amazing. He was just mastering the audience, and Janelle Monae was a rock star, and Stevie Wonder showed up in the encore, and it was one of those totally amazing surreal shows that doesn't seem real.

I am caught up, ironically, on "Bones." The last two episodes were sort of wonderful solid after a pretty shifty couple of seasons. And of course on "Doctor Who." The Doctor's Wife felt very 'Scapey, and not as 'Who'y and I loved it a lot with some reservations because I'm not sure why Neil puts everyone in a steampunk mood (although I don't object). Of course of course he stole her.

Finally: Thanks to everyone who told me why they knitted!
itsallovernow: (Default)
The nearly 15 year old Siamese is in renal failure. He has been since last August. It was diagnosed two weeks after I put Georgie down, and after a lot of time and money and care, he's doing really, really well. But he is no less a giant pain in the ass than he ever was. He's always been a pee-er, marking his territory and expressing his disapproval with urine since he was little. He's ruined countless pieces of furniture, clothing, stuff, etc. And he's not a fan of the baby cat (who, yes, is a terror in giant kitten form). But peeing on the pop-up laundry basket full of Marlowe's toys (and the basket itself is a toy) just made me want to throttle his pointy-headed little self. Oh Siamese, it's a good thing I love you. But I'm not saving you from Marlowe's badness for at least a day or two. You've earned that annoyance.

I am (trying) to write a piece on DIY crafting. Anyone want to give me a reason they craft (particularly in the yarn arts - knitting, crocheting, tatting, weaving)?

I am also trying to write a piece on the Value Added Score now being inflicted on LAUSD teachers. If you know a teacher in Southern California, or LA, would you pass him or her my way? I'd like to ask his/her opinion, and all my contacts in the district have dried up.

Finally, I finished Connie Willis' "All Clear" on Saturday and I'm still kind of bereft that it was over. There were parts in both books that dragged, seemed a little endless, but ultimately, as always with her work, the literary and emotional pay off was so terribly worth it.
itsallovernow: (Default)
It used to be that I’d mourn the end of something - whether an era of my life, a relationship, whatever it was - with music directly from those moments. Whether that meant a slew of baudy Celtic ballads at the end of our junior year of college or a P.I.L. song that played when I started on a very bad road with a very bad boy that turned out very badly but still seemed like such a good idea. Or the fact that “Our Time in Eden” still makes me feel young and terrified and out of place and in love with the world. I don’t even remember being the girl who discovered 10000 Maniacs in the backwoods of a too progressive place in Vermont.

And it made sense, right? That mix tape in your mind, that rom-com/tragi-com/train ride soundtrack that seemed to follow the affair. Afterwards, it was something to look back on and catalogue. A timeline and a post card.

But as I get older, my allegiances have shifted. Maybe because my whole life tends to be a soundtrack. Maybe because everyday is Bob Dylan and Josh Ritter and a little bit of Pixies, and ever increasingly a lot of Elbow, and some Sandy Denny and Sleater Kinney and the roller coaster fantasy of Daytrotter’s free sessions or the fact that I can go see live music whenever I want.

But my mourning no longer consists of the real soundtrack. It’s still related, sure. And yes, I still have to listen to “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” at the end of every ending, because it’s the song my heart holds for endings, making me cry but with a big, angry, sly, wry smile. But somehow my associations are different these days. So I spent the weekend listening to “Boys and Girls in America” and “Stay Positive” over and over again because The Hold Steady aren’t heartbreak to me, not really. They’re my get through it band, my fuck the world and hold me tight band. And I laid in a bathtub full of pink bubbles and ready a book full of pink bubbles and got righteously, raucously angry and cried. And got better. Not fixed. But better.
Also, in other news, I finally read Sorcery and Cecilia this weekend, making it the second epistolary work I'd read and enjoyed lately. The other being "The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society". I expected to loathe both. They were both delightful in a way that makes it difficult to tell if they were good, but also making it unimportant.

Now all of my correspondence sounds like Victorian mischief. Worse things have happened to my prose.

Reading the author's comments on the book made me think of the work that [ profile] rubberneck and I have done together over the years. We had a set universe, and while we weren't play the letter game of characters, we were working in a loose structure, swapping sections back and forth to see what happened in the meantime, sensing we were on the same page, but also not certain and delighted at each turn to see what the other had created (well, I was always delighted because Feldman is a genius with words and ideas. She would have been well within her rights to be less universally delighted with my overwroughtiness). It's a game I'd love to play again.

Thank You

Apr. 8th, 2011 03:13 pm
itsallovernow: (Default)
Thank you to everyone for the nice words and the support. Endings are never easy, and well, I have nothing more profound to say than that. I'm wallowing a little, but I think that's probably justified. I'll get over myself eventually.

Also, it's sort of lovely to be back and to see everyone. I am fostering social unrest at work, so at least my energies can be directed into something annoying for everyone!
itsallovernow: (Default)
The kitten, who defies my attempts to photograph his adorableness (largely because he is black and quick, so the photos I do get are blurry blurs), also seems hellbent on killing himself and eating inappropriate things. To date that list includes:
A french fry
Part of a plastic gear (this did not end well)
Part of a hair clippy (see above)
Bubble bath bubbles
Bubble bath
My toast
Part of the armchair
Part of my bathrobe
Most of a container of peach yogurt
A banana
Plain yogurt
Bourbon (he did not get much more than a drop)
The quesadilla the Sriacha was accompanying.
Baked Potatoes
Green beans

He has only lived in the house for three months. Lord knows what he tried to eat before this.

On a more serious note, I've been struggling with a relationship for about two years that ceased to be relationshippy about 6 months ago,and which only ever sort of was on the right track at the best of times but has been this weird indeterminate thing causing me angst and misery anyway. And I stealed my resolve and said goodbye last night on the phone and it was dreadful and miserable. And I am still sad and miserable and bereft because sometimes the loss of an idea hurts as much as the loss itself. I hadn't said an official goodbye to this boy before because I hated the idea of never having the possibility with him again. Of drowning that potential. It still feels like a kick in the teeth, and he's already been drowning himself for the last 6 months, so full of his own misery he can't even see me. It is the right thing, but it is... no less a hard thing. Endings are

I have a story I was writing to say goodbye to him, and now I feel that clawing, choking need to finish it so that I can mourn in peace. It's so absurd, this story, about the girl I wish I'd been at 17 because this boy for all his misery, all his drowning, made me feel like that girl at 36.

I have all these real life social media sites and brands I'm maintaining about me the person in the world and on the internet, but the only place I can say true things about this loss seems to be here, where I'm someone else entirely, and someone who's been absent for so long as well.
itsallovernow: (Default)
So, I realized that I've so missed the interaction of LiveJournal, and yet the dilemma of how to use this journal is a reality. I've got a Tumblr, Facebook, Twitter, and an ill-used WordPress blog. I'm writing, occassionaly, for a local site:, but that's really sporadic on my part. I'm trying to get it to be a more regular thing, which would be easier if I had a morel laid back job or post-work day life. But, at the same time, I've written about bourbon, burlesque, CERT Training, Pet Adoptions, and am now doing a DIY series. Or I'm attempting to. It turns out that volunteer bike mechanics and instructors also do not keep the most regular of hours.

Also, I have a 7-month old kitten. His name is Marlowe. His is a sociopath, but very very cute. He can sadly jump 5 feet in any direction with no apparent effort and will eat anything. Anything! I've fished two pennies out of his mouth! He eats popcorn piece by piece, but anything else he'll steal or fight you for. The 14 year old Siamese? Not a fan. He makes the Siamese noise at him and follows him around to smack him down. This on the days when the kitten isn't following him around, and ambushing him.

No one is sleeping much.

So tell me what you all are working on! What fandoms have overtaken you?!? What's changed since last I visited?

I'm still working on some short stories and a TV-project with my writing group. We're kind of terrible, but we're learning a lot.


itsallovernow: (Default)

January 2016

345 6789


RSS Atom

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 22nd, 2017 04:57 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios