itsallovernow: (No-Kerne)
[personal profile] itsallovernow
My dad had a massive stroke about 12 years ago which he survived. Various ailments have had him in and out of the hospital periodically since then, but nothing life-threatening. The Saturday before the Super Bowl, my stepmother called and said he'd had a bad nosebleed and had been admitted. Since then, he's suffered incidents of low blood pressure which has lead to further stroke activity, and ultimately we've made the agonizing decision to transfer him to in-patient hospice where he will either pass away or recover enough to be sent to a full-time nursing or care facility. Either is a miserable end to a largely full and complicated life. But he's pretty mellow right now. He sleeps a lot, eats very little, and recognizes about half of his visitors. He can have his dog when he wants, chocolate for every meal, and the undivided attention of those who love him because he's only "present" for about 20 minutes at a time.

My grief is something thick, and heavy, and awful. I can put this whole feeling behind me for hours, sometimes days at a time until it slams back into me that the father I knew, even the one I'd come to know again post stroke - the difficult, selfish, needy, desperate man who still had a sense of humor, who sometimes valued cool over kind, but also loved with a big, messy effort - is not coming back. That I may lose him completely very soon. That the loss is more likely than not. It's awful. It's life. It's terribly unfair.

And I want to write, but I don't want to write about this. However, the grief is providing this grey, odorous blanket over my ability to even come up with ideas, topics, anything.

So I reach out to this community with a request - the same one I always seem to come to everyone with: Give me a prompt, a topic, a sentence, a meme, a character or an idea. Point me in a direction, even if it's the wrong direction. I'll write about fandom, about fans, about characters, about myself. I'll write fic, I'll write fiction, but I need direction.

We've been watching Agent Carter with glee, The Blacklist with embarrassed pleasure (yes, it's sort of terrible, but it's so...watchable). I'm a season and a half into The Good Wife. I've been reading tons of fluffy romance, very little of substance, but I'd attempt book fandom if I know it. We're caught up on Doctor Who, and yes, I've seen Jupiter Ascending. I didn't make it in time to sign up for Yuletide this year, so I'm also happy to look at small fandoms or fill in wishes from wishlists.
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itsallovernow

January 2016

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